It can be hard grappling with the past
Q. I did what you said. I told my partner the truth about lies I'd told him about my past. I thought I was doing the right thing, being respectful, honest and open. But all he can focus on is the lie part. I thought I was going to help make my relationship stronger, and now it's crumbling around me.
Why is it necessary to share details of my past, if I want to forget it? Tomorrow we're going to have it out, and I'll tell him all the gory details, but I really don't want to. Call it being private, call it manipulative, but I want to keep my past to myself. I'm pretty sure this discussion will lead to our breaking up, and I have no idea how to deal with that. I'm hyperventilating and tearing up just thinking about it. What should I do?
Tucson
A. You were being respectful, honest and open about a history of lying, which isn't quite the same thing as being respectful, honest and open. Some lies can be overcome, some can't. Besides, for reversing your lies to be the right thing, it has to be for honesty's sake, not just to buy you a pass.
Bonus for irony fans -- it's when you act entirely for another's benefit that you benefit most yourself. Tomorrow's discussion might not save the relationship, but it will save you from the weight of deceiving someone. You won't have to carry secrets around knowing if they ever get out, then your relationship is over.
In other words: You'll get a chance at having someone know you fully and love you anyway, vs. believing the only way to get someone's love is to carefully edit out all the ugly stuff and present the abridged version of you. It's a shot at true intimacy, life with your guard down -- instead of a roommate with his name on your checks.
If your past haunts or debilitates you, run it by a reputable therapist. But if you're just wincing at it like the rest of us, it might help just to know the longing for amnesia isn't even close to unique.
Either way, you and your past are stuck with each other, so you might as well learn to get along.
One more thing. Honesty doesn't demand "gory details" -- just enough of the truth for it to stop being a lie. You'll know you're there when the pressure is gone to be careful in choosing your words.
Q. My boyfriend and I were planning a big vacation to a dream location -- with all of his family. The parents, the siblings, nieces and nephews, the whole thing. The problem? We just broke up. I don't know if the breakup will stick -- we said we "needed to take some time" -- but is it smart to go on this trip as if I'm his SO when I'm really not?
Philadelphia
A. I can think of two cases where it would make sense to go: 1. If you're not only really close to him and his family, but also breaking up because you've both lost all interest in each other except as friends; or 2. Your idea of fun is to give yourself paper cuts, and then squirt lemon juice into them. Otherwise I'd skip it.
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