When breaking up, be firm, not cruel
Q. I need to break up with someone who is a sweet, wonderful person, but just lazy when it comes to figuring out her life, getting her act together and helping me after moving in with me. I know she doesn't mean to be lazy, but there you have it. I'm just done with being patient.
Should I give all the details or just say we are not compatible? I don't want to be mean, but don't want to be fuzzy either. Help!
-- Boston
A. Excess detail is cruel. Insufficient detail is cruel. Arguably more so.
And pretending you still like her while you wait for an advice columnist to script your breakup is cruel, so I'll assume you've long since pulled the plug and this answer is just here for the answer's sake. (I'll assume, too, that she's OK, and you didn't see "lazy" where a doctor might see "depressed." Ahem.)
A quality that you admire in someone almost always has a "price," for lack of a better word. For example, someone who has an infectious spirit might also be, say, moody, or a little scant of self-discipline.
Likewise, the bad trait you single out in your girlfriend -- her lack of direction -- probably has a winning side to it. The sweetness you cite, for example; maybe an attentive and unhurried nature.
Whether you actually share this information is of distant-secondary importance to your merely having it. It's a mental exercise that props a yoo-hoo card in the front of your mind, so you don't forget that yours is just one person's opinion: What drove you to fits of impatience might bring on fits of relief to someone else. Your inertia, another's peace.
It's humility that can guide what you choose to reveal, allowing you to be honest enough for her not to be left wondering what went wrong, but not so honest that you leave her wondering whether she did anything right.
It's freedom to say that her way of making decisions drives you nuts, not because it's wrong or yours is better, but because it's so different from yours. It's another reminder, that she probably wants someone who wants to be patient with her, just as badly as you want someone who doesn't tax your patience.
It's information that lets you say aloud, with a straight face, that even though you and she aren't compatible, you wouldn't want her to change.
And finally: It's not saying all this at once. Don't sound like you're making excuses, you want her to know you mean it.
Q. I haven't been able to figure out a way to ask this without sounding spoiled or bratty, but it's bothering me. My birthday was a few weeks ago and my boyfriend of a year did not do anything. No gift, no special outing, just sitting at home watching TV. Typically I would just ask him, but I don't see any way to ask, "Where is my birthday present?" without sounding greedy. Any ideas?
A. "This is still bothering me -- I'm hurt that you blew off my birthday." It's about effort, not gifts, I get it. Be straight with him, and maybe he will, too.
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