Look for reality -- not equality -- in marriage

Q. Some friends were recently talking of marriage, but there is a problem: She makes several times what he makes, and they don't know how to divide the bills. If they split them evenly, he has no money left for extras. If they split them in proportion to earnings, she foots most of the bills and resents that. A common pool won't do, either, as she has a new car, he has a 15-year-old truck, and he will then want a new truck, which she will mostly pay for. Do you have any suggestions for this stalemate?

B.

A. Yes, an urgent one: There should be a restraining order to keep these people at least 100 feet from any places of worship, rented tents or justices of the peace.

Let's play Switch the Genders (ooh, goodie).

A guy makes several times what his wife does, and bills for her half of the marital household expenses. Now let's say your female friend is advising the wife here. Would she tell her to pony up, or would she be outraged on the wife's behalf? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think the word "cheap" would come up. Maybe even "abusive."

I haven't met the woman who doesn't want equal pay for equal work. But accepting that equal paycheck means accepting the underlying premise: that she isn't a member of a lesser sex. And that means her fairness-driven wages are just as subject to the demands of being a family breadwinner as a man's wages would be. Cafeteria feminism is ugly stuff.

So is hoarding. It's culturally axiomatic, isn't it, that a good husband would want his wife to have an up-to-date car? And it goes without saying that the money would come from family resources, if not "his" money outright. It sounds like your she-friend wants the security of marriage, but without the sacrifice, trust or commitment. There's a shoe that doesn't belong on either foot.

If she doesn't trust this guy, then there's a better remedy than bean-counting: not marrying him. And if she's just trying to be realistic about protecting some of her assets, there's a better remedy there, too: working with an attorney. If they're both too focused on their own standards of living to realize the conversation they're having is about love, oneness and the common good, then let's hope a remedy finds them before they have any kids.

Q. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years now. He really loves me, is affectionate, makes me gifts, makes me laugh … But sometimes he neglects little things, like calling to check in if I've had a bad day. I hate that after almost four years, I still feel like a teenager, wondering if he'll call. We've talked about this about a bazillion times and I know that it's because he gets wrapped up in his work and doesn't mean he doesn't love me. But should I hold out for someone who will call when I'm having a bad day? I'm in my 30s and time is a-ticking.

Uncertain

A. After four years, he might consider holding out for someone who will accept him for who he is.

Try resetting your teenage expectations dial to "Does Not Call." See how life feels that way. Chart future accordingly.

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