Husband's refusal to do chores must end

Q. Any thoughts on how to get through to a guy that he really needs to grow up, now that his wife is expecting? Is it too much to ask that he put dirty laundry in the hamper and dishes in the sink? She's not even asking him to do laundry or dishes -- just not leave them on the floor, making her bend over when she doesn't feel well! He's become even more high-maintenance now than he was before. He simply ignores her requests.

30-Plus Child or Father-to-Be?

A. Someone who leaves just as much detritus on just as much floor is merely being himself. Someone who greets a life change by leaving more?

That's someone who's making a point.

Something else you've just learned: Requests don't work. You've tried, it failed, next.

One tack is exactly as simple as it sounds. Ask. "What does this mean, that you let me do your share?" If he won't respond, be specific: "Are you angry at me, afraid of something?" Drop your defenses, draw him out.

If that tanks, ask for marriage counseling.

Unfortunately, people who can watch their mates toil while they do nothing tend to either genuinely expect to be served; or use this as a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger; or have such difficulty focusing that they vow they'll help at a "later" time that never comes.

People in the third case might agree to counseling ("later"), but it's hard to bet on the first two. And if one of those cases is yours, I urge counseling on your own.

Another tack -- which could be subsequent, could be concurrent, is absolutely necessary, but probably won't suffice -- is to stop enabling his sloth. Tell him explicitly that you feel physically unable to carry the domestic load, and soon will be even less so, not only with a fully dependent creature but also your own postpartum healing to consider. Ask him which duties he wants. List them to make the choice easy.

If he opts out, then say you want to hire someone to clean twice a week. If there's no money, then ask him to do his share by cutting back on his personal expenses or working more to pay for it. If no, then you dig deep.

If that's out, quietly go on a 50 percent strike while you work in counseling on whether to stay in your marriage. With your foot, nudge his laundry out of your sightline so your mind and walkways are clear, and let him wear his way through to a choice between dirty clothes or clothes that he washes. Prepare small, simple meals for yourself, do your own dishes, buy your own food. Don't blink when guests come.

These are, essentially, the sanctions you impose after diplomacy fails, and you know how pretty that gets.

But yours is a common problem, and it makes optimists pay dearly. He's going out of his way to show you that he refuses to be considerate.

Resistance this stiff would be about more than chores, and so would get worse when the baby comes. Once you have tried every appeal to his conscience, you have no choice but to save yourself and your child. Please don't see continuing to serve him while your spirit dies as a legitimate choice.