Children are great, but they don't belong everywhere
Carolyn Hax is taking some time off. This is adapted from a recent online discussion.
Q. I live in a smallish house and want to have a cocktail party. Fun, right? However, I have some friends who bring their toddler everywhere. I know that unless I put something on the invite, they will bring their son.
What is a polite way to say, "No kids"? Is "adults only" better? Or, "I am planning to get drunk and expose myself so don't bring anyone impressionable"?
Washington
A. I like the last option, but "adults only" is probably less open to willful misinterpretation.
Q. Uh-oh ... is that us? We have a 6-month-old, but we have to bring her, because, like, every single person we know we could hire to baby-sit her is already at the party! So if she's not wanted, we can't go. But we feel so stupid saying every time, "Is it OK if we bring M?" I feel like maybe they feel like they have to say yes.
Anonymous
A. It is you. To your great credit, you do have the decency to ask, but it's still you. Branch out and find sitters independent of your social circle. It is hard but thoroughly worth it.
And please lose the "if she's not wanted" spin. That attitude is really corrosive to your friendships and, frankly, your image of yourself as an adult independent of your job as parent. Sometimes people want to be able to have an adult conversation with you. This is not about "not wanting" your kid there -- athough that isn't a negative thing, either.
Kids can get annoying sometimes. This is fact, not kidism.
Q. Anonymous: "Sometimes people want to be able to have an adult conversation with you"? Well, that's fine, but not at my inconvenience and expense. Find some friends who don't mind including your daughter. Baby sitters are fine if you want to hire them, but don't do it to please someone else.
Weighing In
A. No no, that makes you part of the problem! And not just the little-kids-at-big-kid-parties problem, it's part of the larger problem that also includes line-jumping, ticket-scalping, abusing credit, and cutting people off in traffic only to drive well below the speed limit.
There is a society out there, with customs, expectations and norms.
When you make your own rules, you do so at the expense of everyone who makes a good-faith effort to behave in a civil and courteous way.
A cocktail party, in our society, is not the place for a child, not unless you have actual knowledge or instructions to the contrary.
If you don't like the norms, that's fine, you're welcome to go find friends who see things your way; we're in agreement on that part.
But getting a sitter in lieu of bringing a child to a cocktail party is not something you do "to please someone else." It's something you do out of respect for your host, for other guests and for those aforesaid cultural norms.
And to end on a pre-emptive note: Some of these adult parties are thrown by people who love children. Just not at the center of the universe 24-7, and not after 8 p.m. around stemware.
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