Boyfriend's lies reason enough to dump him
Q. My loving boyfriend of eight months recently informed me that he is the father of a 2-year-old son, whom he has been financially supporting for the duration of our relationship. He didn't tell me earlier for a whole host of reasons, some reasonable and some simply cowardly. I feel lied to, yet at the same time, I feel so understanding. How do I know if I'm willing to move on from this?
Oh, and also, due to complicated circumstances involving immigration, etc., he married the mother, whom he barely knew, and is in the process now of securing a divorce. My mom insists I never would have tolerated this from anyone else (and she's right) and that I'm being "bamboozled." I say that I love him and this massive mistake doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be loved.
-- Only 24
A. Oh, and also, here's what this person just told you: When he feels he has something to lose, he will lie at your expense to protect himself and his interests.
People do get into complicated situations, yes, and do make massive mistakes; you're right that it doesn't make them undeserving of love.
When their mistakes include longstanding, self-serving whoppers that involve the denial of the existence of a person he helped create, however, it does make them undeserving of trust. Get your head out of your altruism and listen to your mommy.
Look. He may be an OK guy someday. He may be so close to being an OK guy that your dumping him -- explicitly because of the lie, and explicitly not because of the soon-to-be-ex-wife and kid -- will be the butt-kick he needs to start owning his life and all its consequences, not just the ones that are legally enforceable. But he's not there yet, and I don't advise hanging around for the next complicated situation to find out if he'll ever arrive. Nobody needs that suspense.
Q. I have recently developed romantic feelings for a girl I've been really good friends with for a long time. She is incredible and I think we'd make a great couple, but I don't want to do anything that would hurt our friendship. How do I tell her I want to escalate our relationship? And if she says no, how do I keep our friendship intact?
-- Maryland
A. If your stock tanks, you can't return it for your money back. Playing a new ball will cost you a stroke. Extra cheese means extra fat.
Translation: Everything risks something, and the more you reach for, the higher the costs. It has to be that way, or else no one would ever be content with any one person, path or outcome.
But I digress. She already knows, so tell her.
Besides, you don't want the friendship, you want the at-bat to go on if you swing and miss. Embrace that there's no going back. And if you do miss, then square your shoulders -- how many people regret being brave? -- continue treating her as the good friend she is, and hope she returns the favor.
Besides, love isn't linear; "no" can bring you closer while "yes" drives you apart. Not to mess with your head or anything. Just stay loose and enjoy.