Best cool that burning love

Q. My ex and I loved each other very much. Unfortunately, I had to move to Chicago (from St. Louis) and I thought it would be best to go our separate ways. After being on-and-off for a few months, she told me, out of the blue, that I couldn't be in her life anymore. I think she was hurt when I initially decided to move away; also, she is moving even farther away, to California, in six months. I know she still loves me.

I realize I made a mistake; I know she is the one for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So, I have quit my job, I am moving back to St. Louis, and already have a job offer in California so I could move with her, on the slim chance that we could live happily ever after.

My problem: How do I tell her all of this?

-- Burning Love Question

A. I can tell you how not to tell her: by dropping it on her lap as if you've had her dream outcome gift-wrapped. You can't assume the love of someone who has cut you out of her life.

This isn't a movie. Even if you do know she loves you, it's still possible she'll view your grand gesture of love as a grand usurping of her right to run her own life, and that rarely has the intended romantic effect. At worst, it's stalkerish stuff.

From this, I think you can piece together a way to deliver your news without putting pressure on her: Explain that you're moving back to St. Louis because that's where you want to be right now -- ideally with her, but without her if necessary. Then add that, if she does want you back, you are also prepared to move to California with her.

Then, let her know it's her call, you won't bother her again, she knows where to find you.

Then don't bother her again.

Granted, if you say this with juuuuust the right tone, you can apply all kinds of pressure through guilt.

But you won't, for these reasons: It's not right, it won't work, and you'll have made an interstate move for naught. Rid yourself of ulterior motives by considering yourself single and calling St. Louis home. Anything more is a nice surprise.

Q. My relationship of several years ended because I was frequently sarcastic and occasionally verbally abusive to a very fine man, who gave me loving support but finally had to end it for his own good. (I'm belatedly sorting out what caused me to behave that way.) What's an appropriately brief but authentic way to tell people that? It would be wrong to imply even with silence that the breakup was mutual or that he did me an injustice by leaving. It's been feasible and tempting just to speak fondly of him to family and friends, as if we're still a couple.

-- Revealing a Breakup

A. "He left me" vilifies him, but "I left him" is a lie -- so that makes "We broke up" just right, even if it initially seems to suggest the breakup was mutual. It's minimalism as truth. "What happened," people ask? "I took him for granted," you say. Next topic.