Remember, your daughter's beauty is on the inside

Q. My 14-year-old daughter has had quite a year of changing hairstyles. She had beautiful long blond hair, which she chose to cut very short several months ago. Then she dyed it black. Then she wanted it colored lighter. That took three trips to the salon at $80 to $100 per trip, which I reluctantly paid for. Now her hair is long enough to cover her neck but doesn't touch the shoulders and she has asked for hair extensions. The salon says ballpark $120.

Side note: This summer she started wearing black rings of makeup around her eyes where previously she had applied makeup very tastefully. I said I would pay for extensions if she would stop the Tammy Faye raccoon makeup. Now she is in her room and angry with me. I thought your insight here could steer me in the right direction ... or you could fillet me like a mackerel.

-- Tangled Father

A. Since there's a good chance she's still in her room, be a good fish and go upstairs to apologize.

You already know the reason, since, assuming you weren't raised on Planet Man and imported to Earth just to witness this hair drama, you know that matters of physical appearance are never just matters of physical appearance.

Your daughter is troubled. She's trying to find a version of herself she likes. So far, you have not only tacitly agreed her looks matter, but you've also declared them a failure. In other words, you stepped off the high ground of parenthood and got sucked into an overindulgent beauty consult.

A kid in self-image tumult needs a steady, loving hand, one that remains steady by hovering safely above the minutiae of the moment. Repeat after me:

She is beautiful.

That beauty is on the inside.

What she does with the outside won't change the essential fact of that beauty.

It will change how some people judge her, so she should handle her appearance with care.

It is, however, ultimately her decision how she chooses to present herself ... As long as she's using her own money to do it ... And as long as she doesn't violate dress codes or basic common decency -- which you, as parent, still get to determine, and which she, as resident minor, can avenge with all her might and earning power when she's 18, if she still cares to by then.

Your job? Encourage good deeds, not good hair.

Q. I have a dirty little secret that no one in my life knows about: Having been foolish post-college, I have really bad credit. I have been trying to work on it and always considered it my own business. However, I am in a serious relationship now, which is heading to an engagement, and I am petrified of his reaction. Please help!

-- Hiding

A. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling has a site to help you find a reputable debt counselor: www.debtadvice.org. Get help with your credit, and tell your boyfriend the truth.

If you've already done the former, then jump to the latter.

Methodically cleaning up a mess demonstrates who you are now, while a mess says who you were then. Trust him to see the difference.

The longer you hide something, by the way, the weaker this argument gets.