No reason for no sex

Q. I've been married four years. No kids. My wife doesn't ever want to make love anymore. I'm ready to bail. Does this make me an (expletive)?

VA.

A. Not unless you've been an (expletive) to your wife and that's why she'd rather not touch you.

Even then, it would still be incumbent upon her to say to you, clearly: "When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and this is killing/has killed my desire to make love to you."

I can see readers' thought balloons popping up like popcorn, "Yeah right," that this kind of conversation doesn't occur in nature. To which my next question is, how's that working out for you?

Couples who want real, sustainable intimacy, of either kind, have to work for it, and that work is in being honest with each other about what's going on between you (or not), even when you know it's going to hurt.

Since your wife, Va., apparently hasn't been forthcoming about her reasons for not wanting sex, then you get to start the conversation by speaking the truth of your sexless marriage.

Which is ... ? Are you hurt, angry, mystified, frustrated, heartbroken, sad, all or none of the above? Would you appreciate an honest explanation from her, even a painful one? If that reason could be mitigated by professional treatment, are you willing to try it if she is?

In short -- what are you willing to grant her, in the interest of your mutual satisfaction, and what is she willing to grant you?

Here's the thing. A spouse losing interest in sex is hardly news.

Sometimes there's a treatable problem, but often there isn't, and the vows don't say anything about having sex you don't want to have.

However, I think it violates the spirit of marriage for the uninterested spouse just to say "Tough" -- or worse, to string the other along by merely implying but never stating that visiting hours are over.

When you deny your spouse something as elemental as sex, you need to be prepared to give that spouse something in return, be it effort, freedom or just the unvarnished truth. That's not in the vows, either, but it should be.

Q. My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this?

Washington

A. People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.

It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get.

Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputable pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.

© 2008, The Washington Post Co.