Get out of 'poor-me' mode and start talking with husband

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Q. My husband recently got very upset with me and exclaimed I am too negative and I used to be such a go-getter. Since we met, my father died, I got a master's, we bought a house and numerous other real-life situations have left me drained. More recently, I broke my arm and it affects my ability to work. I thought I was hanging in there, considering, but now I feel like my husband only wants to be around me for better and not for worse. I have no idea how to handle his feelings on this, much less how I feel now: not supported.

Va.

A. I can appreciate that, but it also may be that he feels unappreciated that he's been supporting you since you met, and he's starting to wonder when this stops being temporary and starts being your way of life. Which, even you have to admit, would really be tough on a partner.

Life can be a seemingly relentless series of challenges. Part of the value of a marriage is to have someone who helps you bear extra weight. Has he been that for you up till now? Have you regarded your difficulties as an excuse not to reciprocate? It may be that you need to find more constructive ways to handle pressure.

To be fair: It may be, too, that he has let you down, that his unrealistic expectations of grown-up life are making you the bearer of all difficulties. It's not clear from your question which of these is true, though you've probably known since before you were married.

So I would suggest you force yourself out of poor-me mode, and get some perspective on the whole situation from the beginning.

Then, articulate your conclusions to your husband, either by apologizing and vowing to find un-whiny ways to handle stress, or by walking him through factually, without accusations the jobs that are falling to you.

Q. Not that I have a license to unload on my husband, but it really seems as though he's happy when I take care of everything, and when I need him he's unwilling to take anything on, no matter how I ask. Most of our problems could have been easier if he had helped in the first place when I asked, but instead I had to juggle it all.

Va. Again

A. Then that's what you need to talk about, as calmly as you can.

Another thing to consider before you get into it are you leading the right life for the husband you have? In other words, given that you see yourself as the "adult" in the house, are you still taking on responsibilities that require the efforts of two adults? A big mortgage, for example, a baby, extended family responsibilities a lot of these are part of a couple's standard to-do list, when in fact their dynamic would suggest downsizing their home life, not expanding it.

It may seem, because your husband "should" be doing X or Y to help you, that you have a right to the lifestyle you want, and it's his job to come through for you. But "should" isn't "will"; all of your choices should reflect the way you actually function as a couple.

• E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.