Communicate better if you're in the mood
Q. Because of a lot of external stress, my S.O.'s and my sex life has slowed down considerably over the past year. And that's OK, we are otherwise strong and I understand these things ebb and flow. Well, we are ready to get back in the saddle again, and are just having trouble getting on the same page and our mojo back. For instance, he'll say he wants to finish one thing before bed, so I'll assume he's not interested in having sex. Then he'll come to bed and find me half-asleep, and assume I'm not interested. Any suggestions for getting back on the same page?
Los Angeles
A. If "we" are rarin' to go, then "we" have talked about it, right? Enough that you feel comfortable speaking for him?
I hope so. Spontaneity is a wonderful thing, but it relies heavily on same-page saddle mojo (in competitive clicheing, that's a hat trick). And, the longer you're together, the fewer and farther between those rip-clothes-off moments will be.
When the moment isn't making your romantic decisions for you, then you and he need to make those decisions yourselves decisions to get in the mood. That will go a whole lot better if you're both comfortable being frank with each other about sex.
How you go about this frankness is up to you. You can save it for nonsexually-charged moments, and resolve your preferences beforehand at least until your timing returns. For example, you can let him know whether you want him to wake you out of a half-sleep, and he can let you know whether "Just let me finish this e-mail" means "I'm not interested" or "See you in 15 minutes." That way, you won't be forced to guess about each other just as you're feeling vulnerable to rejection.
If vulnerability isn't a concern, then you can take your frankness live. When he says he wants to do one more thing before bed, you can suggest another item for his to-do list. Winkwink.
Speaking of: Cliches and other cutesy language can betray discomfort with talking about sex (or respect for the limits of family newspapering). If your reasons tend to the former, then forcing your way past the discomfort might be a useful exercise in addressing a fear head-on. There's mojo for you, in more than a sexual sense.
Q. I check my husband's e-mail without his knowing it, and I don't know why I do it. I'm not suspicious of anything, I guess I'm just curious. What do you think this means?
Snooper
A. It means either that you care more about your curiosity than you do your husband's privacy (or your integrity, for that matter) or you're lying to yourself about the depth of your insecurity.
Stop looking. Have some decency.
If you can't stop or just don't, then please take a hard look at what's going on including your own motives, your own possibly guilty conscience, any history of compulsive behavior, and any behavior on your husband's part that would justify spousal suspicion.
Not that justified suspicion would justify snooping; it wouldn't. However, if it turns out you do have grounds to question his behavior, then facing that would allow you to deal with the problem in a more honest and transparent way.
• E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.
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