Forget the incident but not her character
Q. Here's an elephant in the room that keeps coming back with its ears flapping: Last New Year's, my girlfriend got a little toasted. She proceeded to flirt with a guy at a table next to us, even though he was with his wife. She then put her hand around his wrist for a second, so if I hadn't looked up I wouldn't have caught it. I didn't know how to handle it at the time and, I guess, wished it away as drunken foolishness.
How do I bring this up so long after the fact? And how do you handle such a situation as it happens? It's a little hard to be confrontational in a crowded restaurant on a holiday evening. I clearly wasn't ready to make a scene, but think I need to be more direct in the future.
-- Dumbo
A. The time to "be more direct" was the next day, or the next incident of mutual sobriety, whichever came first. Maybe that did occur to you then, but you thought better of it, which is fine; last night's mountain often becomes this morning's molehill.
In response to the are-you-cheating question, you can't prove a negative; hearing "no" puts most people right back where they were before they asked. With character, though, you can prove negatives and positives. If she has character and integrity, shoo the elephant and get on with your life.
Which brings us to your discovery that her "I pretended to write it down" claim was a lie. How did you know she lied, when did you find out, and what was your reason for letting it pass unchallenged? More wishful thinking?
If that was the first of her actions that could not be pinned on drunkenness, then that was your moment to articulate your concerns.
Since both of those opportunities have passed, anything you say needs to be prefaced by your admission that you waited way too long to speak up (but wouldn't be doing it if that evening weren't still nagging at you).
That is, of course, if you do decide to speak up. Just by focusing on the issues of whether and how you should confront her, you're ignoring the fact of the other, possibly better information you have.
You have nearly a year's worth of your girlfriend's behavior since the incident, a year's worth of your deeper knowledge of her, on top of what you already knew before that New Year's night. Does this information suggest she has changed, is acting strangely, was never entirely trustworthy, has always been a little too comfortable lying/acting/cheating/stealing/rationalizing/taking where others might give?
In response to the are-you-cheating question, you can't prove a negative; hearing "no" puts most people right back where they were before they asked. With character, though, you can prove negatives and positives. If she has character and integrity, then shoo the elephant and get on with your life.
If her character and integrity are lacking, then don't hide from it, wish it away, or welcome this 800-pound gorilla to keep your elephant company. Shoo the girlfriend and get on with your life. You know a lot more than you think.
• E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com