Weak mythology: Remake of Greek gods fantasy is a bash of the 'Titans'

On the sandaled heels of the last silly Greek mythology-themed movie - "Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief" - comes yet a sillier, clunkier, and more dramatically laughable new Greek gods adventure called "Clash of the Titans."

It's a frenetic, humor-challenged, computer-animated remake of a semi-beloved 1981 Ray Harryhausen stop-motion fantasy in which Laurence Olivier postures as Zeus while handsome Harry Hamlin proudly sports the togs of the heroic Perseus.

Harryhausen's original possessed more than its share of dopey moments, including a cheesy, pre-Potter mechanical owl (used here as a throwaway inside joke) and a severely hokey Pegasus "flying" through the air.

In this new titanic "Clash," every moment is a dopey one, from the dumbed-down screenplay that often drones on like a dry history lecture to Sam Worthington's "ancient" Greek buzz-cut hair style and overtly Australian accent.

The story begins when a poor fisherman (Pete Postlethwaite) discovers a baby floating in the ocean. He adopts the baby and names him Perseus, not realizing he is the son of Zeus, who seduced a human queen.

As Perseus grows, his angry father rails against the gods of Mt. Olympus for their oppression and unfairness.

"Someday," Dad tells little Perseus, "someone is going to have to take a stand! Someone is going to have to say, 'Enough!'

No surprise. Little Perseus grows up to become Worthington, who's had enough of the gods, especially after the naughty Hades (a miscast Ralph Fiennes, channeling Lord Voldemort) kills his dad and sis outside Argos.

In Argos, the mortals have become uppity and defiant to the residents of Mt. Olympus.

"A new era has begun!" the king shouts, "the era of man!"

Zeus, played by a bewigged Liam Neeson, can't believe that the mortals he created don't love him any more.

So, Zeus summons forth his brother Hades and appoints him to be Mt. Olympus' bad will ambassador. Of course, Hades only pretends to help his sibling. He has plans to take over Mt. Olympus where, just as they did in "Percy Jackson," the gods mope around a big white room, not talking or doing anything.

Hades warns Argos that unless the city sacrifices the beautiful Princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), Zeus will unleash the monstrous beast, the Kraken, upon the city.

Meanwhile, Perseus sets out to rescue Andromeda with help from two "Casino Royale" veterans, Mads Mikkelsen as the warrior Draco and the woefully modern Gemma Arterton as the never-aging Io.

A trio of screenwriters wrote "Clash," and it's as wooden as a club and twice as stone-hearted as Medusa's victims. Yes, the snaky lady makes an appearance, although she's rendered as a dark and cartoony villainess far more frivolous than frightening.

French filmmaker Louis Letterier, who gave us the two serviceable action films "The Incredible Hulk" and "Transporter 2," directs "Clash" as if the plot and characters are irritating speed bumps slowing down the action scenes.

Letterier's movie comes in both 2-D and 3-D versions, but be wary: "Clash" was not created in a 3-D format as "Avatar" was. The 2-D version was put through a new process (at an estimated $100,000 per minute) to simulate the 3-D effect. (For the record, I reviewed the 2-D version.)

By now, everybody has probably seen the TV commercials where Zeus musters up his best king-of-the-gods voice and shouts, "Release... the Kraken!" Then we see the tentacled monstrosity with big teeth annihilating Argos.

Even if audiences knew what the Kraken was - a gigantic beastie so big and powerful that it qualifies as the nuclear option of ancient Greece - wouldn't it have been a good idea to let the monster's appearance be a surprise, like in "Alien"?

Warner Bros. marketing honchos clearly thought the best way they could get people to see "Clash of the Titans" was to reveal everything in the TV commercials. Sadly, ruining surprises has become a trend in Hollywood trailers.

Someday, someone is going to have to take a stand.

Someone is going to have to say, "Enough!"

<p class="factboxheadblack">"Clash of the Titans"</p>

<p class="News">★½</p>

<p class="News"><b>Starring: </b>Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Gemma Arterton, Mads Mikkelsen</p>

<p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Louis Letterier</p>

<p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG-13 for violence. 106 minutes</p>