Indianapolis adoptive mother won't give up on kids

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) - "Are you still fighting for me?"

That's what the little boy wanted to know. That's what he asked the woman every time she visited.

Karen Sauer met Dusten at an adoption fair when he was 9. She and her mother, Deborah, were running game booths at the fair, and Deborah Sauer noticed how Dusten was drawn to her daughter.

"There was a connection," the older woman said.

Karen Sauer, 47, said she had known since she was 16 that she wanted to adopt older children, those at risk of aging out of the foster-care system. Still, it wasn't until she faced turning 40 that she took the first steps.

"I was waiting for that perfect situation, getting the education, the right job, the house; I thought I would get married. Then one day, I realized I couldn't wait anymore. Now was the time."

It took nearly three years for Sauer to legally adopt Dusten. At about the same time, she adopted her daughter, Neven.

Life has never been the same.

Both are now 15 and eighth-graders at Raymond Park Middle School in Warren Township. To say it's been a rocky transition doesn't begin to tell the story.

Dusten, in particular, has tested her. He has stolen from her and other family members. He was suspended from school 56 times in one year. He once waved a gun at her, but later claimed it was a toy. If left alone in the house, he will eat 15 ice cream bars in one sitting, she said. Or a case of funnel cakes.

Still, she fights for him.

"We're getting there," Sauer said. "Dusten and I still have struggles. He is just so angry. He keeps waiting for me to leave."

But he also calls her or texts her every day from school to say hi. Just to see if she's still there, she said.

Sauer has a shirt that says "No. 22 is still here." It's a reminder to her kids that she won't give up on them.

"Twenty-one adults walked out on my son, from his mother to his grandmother to his foster families to his therapists. Number 22 is still here."

Not only is she there for her kids, Sauer is there for other adoptive families. Last year, she started AdoptShine, a mentoring program designed to help families in crisis. So far, she says, she has helped keep five families from dissolving their adoptions.

"When you adopt, no one wants to admit they are struggling," Sauer said. "You feel like a failure, you feel like you will be judged, reprimanded."

That often leads to feelings of isolation and abandonment, she said.

"I didn't want to call DCS (Indiana Department of Child Services). I didn't want them to take my kids away. I wanted them to help me."

DCS has programs designed to address particular needs of children and families post-adoption, including Child Mental Health Wraparound Services and the Special Needs Adoption Program. Currently, there are seven SNAP specialists in the state, each responsible for connecting clients with services in a geographic area, said James Wide, DCS deputy director of communications.

But Sauer says not enough people know about the programs or how to access them. She believes her peer-to-peer mentoring and support initiative is more accessible and less intimidating.

"No one can understand what an adoptive/foster family is going through except someone who has been there, and that is why this works so well," she said.

Wide doesn't disagree: "The main difference between what she (Sauer) provides and what we provide is the individual mentoring. I think it's a valuable service. As people, we like to hear from other people who are going through the same thing."

So while each adoptive family (of a child older than 2) is assigned a SNAP specialist, Wide understands why some parents feel more comfortable talking to someone like Sauer. "Let's be real. When you bring a government entity into the situation, people's natural reaction is to stay away."

For the same reason, Sauer said she was reluctant to involve police when things escalated with her son. She feared that he would lose services if he entered the juvenile justice system.

Laura Good knows what it's like to feel alone, overwhelmed and frightened when it comes to her family. The 55-year-old Geist-area resident and her husband raised two biological children, now in their late 20s, but also adopted two daughters.

Last December, Good's husband, Jack, died after a short illness, leaving her to raise their two youngest. The 15-year-old has adjusted well. The 17-year-old has driven her to the brink.

"I was at the end of my rope. I wanted the state to come in and put her in a group home. I just couldn't take it anymore," Good said, explaining that her daughter became angry and violent because Good refused to let her get married at age 16. She ran away; she accused Good of starving her.

About four months ago, Good met Sauer through the Children's Bureau, a nonprofit agency that advocates for children and families, particularly those at risk. She learned how to access the resources that are available to adoptive parents, including therapists, mentors and safety-plan coordinators.

"I adopted because I really wanted to give back," Good said. "We had the money and a nice house, and we wanted to give these older kids a chance."

What she didn't know was that her older daughter, whom she and her husband adopted four years ago, had reactive attachment disorder, often found in children who've been neglected at a young age. The disorder is characterized by an inability to trust, to empathize and to form close relationships.

"I want her to go to college and have a life," Good said.

Her daughter now is taking online classes for her high school diploma and receives regular therapy.

"Things are a lot better now. The house is a lot calmer," Good said.

Sauer, who worked for 11 years in sales and marketing at Shred Monkey and served on Gov. Mike Pence's Adoption Study Committee during the past year, has thrown all of her efforts into raising her kids and running AdoptShine, which has both for-profit and nonprofit components, including peer-to-peer mentoring classes, connections to resources, 24-hour access by phone and email, meals, family activities and respite care.

On Nov. 16, she and her kids will attend an adoption fair at the Indiana Government Center (part of National Adoption Month), where she will share information about her organization and advocate for adoption, despite her struggles.

"These kids are amazing," she said. "My heart just overflows."

She emphasizes that her organization does not offer legal advice, nor is it trying to replace caseworkers. It's simply offering additional support.

"DCS has a lot on their plate," she said. "This is where I can help the most."

Sauer's mother has been on this journey with her daughter from the beginning and understands the difficult road she has chosen.

"I've seen her kids come such a long way. Everything was taken away from them, and it made me aware how wrong it is for children to lose their childhood because of irresponsible adults," Deborah Sauer said. "As a community, we have a responsibility to them; they deserve a shot."

Wide acknowledges a need for more services to support the work that DCS does - services like Sauer's.

"In every aspect of what we do, what we always have is a need for more services," he said. "At the end of the day, we want families to be healthy."

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Source: The Indianapolis Star, http://indy.st/1PnPpuo

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Information from: The Indianapolis Star, http://www.indystar.com