Solving others' problems seems simple, but isn't

It's one of my favorite jokes: A group of safety engineers determined that 90 percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or bottom stairs. Intrigued by this discovery, they fed the information into their state-of-the-art supercomputer and asked it to determine how accidents could be reduced. The computer's immediate response: "Remove top and bottom stairs."

Though this story talks about a computer, it could just as easily be talking about people. I think most of us are pretty good at taking a quick glance at a problem and coming up with any easy, "common sense" solution.

We are especially good at this when it comes to other peoples' problems. After about five sentences worth of information, we are ready to charge in and tell them exactly what they need to say or do. And, in fact, we are a little bemused (if not upset) that they don't see how simple it really is.

"Fight with your husband? He did what? Well, let me tell you what you ought to do."

"Hey, if you don't like the job that much, just quit."

"How can you feel down? You've got a wife, kids and friends; just open your eyes!"

"Remove the top and bottom stairs."

Maybe it's not as simple as it seems. When you think about it, life is so complex that it really is rather naive to think that with a few facts we could somehow give other people good advice about a problem they have.

All this reminds me of the adage about not seeing the forest for the trees. We often observe that people get so caught up in their problems, they lose the ability to step back and see what's going on and the solutions available to them.

Here, we are turning the analogy around. Sometimes those of us at a distance from the forest think we see a way through, even though we haven't ever walked in that particular forest. In other words, we assume we really know what is (or should be) going on in other people's lives.

Yet the reality is that unless we walk in their forest - unless we somehow live their lives - we can't really see the way through. We can't understand their problems or the solutions.

There is a bit of a "catch 22" there. Obviously we can't live other people's lives. So it seems we probably ought to be rather careful about how freely we give advice. ("We" even includes therapists.)

If we don't tell other people what to do with their problems, what should we do?

Probably the most important thing we have to offer them is ourselves. We can empathize with their feelings, accept that they are doing the best they can, value them whether things are going well or not, and encourage them to find their own solutions.

Notice I didn't use the word "advice" at all. There are times, however, when we do possess knowledge or skills other people don't have. In those situations it is OK to give advice, but only if we are asked.

When it comes right down to it, people are usually smart enough to ask for what they need. If they don't ask for advice, they probably don't want it, and we're better off not offering it.

Simple, isn't it?

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."