There are different types, and intensities, of grief

I've written about the many sources of grief. There is also a complex mix of "types" and intensity of grief.

As it turns out, grief has many faces, and many ups and downs. It's not series of stages, but unfolds according to personal circumstances, the cause of death (whether expected or unexpected), personalities, personal experience, nature of the relationship and other factors.

Sometimes time is a factor, but not linear or progressive. Grief is not as easy as the progression of time. In my experience, time is more likely to be a factor related to a period of time - your life at that time - and the circumstances of the death. And of course time has big a role in long-term grief.

Grief does change over time, probably because over time we learn how to better cope with and manage it. Some do better than others finding a path for meaning in the future.

There are many possible types of grief, for lack of a better word. By types, I really mean manifestations of grief. Here are some of them you may recognize:

• Anticipatory grief, which is grief that happens gradually before death, in cases of a terminal illness lasting many months or years. Especially for the daily caregiver, some grief starts as it becomes more clear that health is getting worse and worse.

• New grief, raw grief, which happens in the first days, weeks, months.

• Totally unexpected, sudden or surprise grief. It follows the shock of an accident, war death or other tragedy.

• Very intense grief, when grief is new, the first days, but it could surface anytime.

• Guilt grief, or remorse. This may be related to regrets over words said or not said, or help not given, or even unfounded guilt, but felt nevertheless.

• Long-term grief, that lasts for years, even a lifetime. Grief that ebbs and flows with time but doesn't ever go away.

• Personal grief, over one's own impending death.

I am sure there are others.

Of course, not everyone experiences all the variations of grief on this list. It depends on many factors including the relationship. And all grief within a type is not the same for everyone. Further, grief over a person loved by many is not the same for all of those bereaved.

One of the tricky and confusing aspects of grief is it's hard to understand and also hard to manage. As I've written before, therefore it's good to avoid well-intentioned but wrong words of attempted consolation, such as "I understand," or "I know how you feel," or "I know what you're going through."

For one thing, he or she is not "going through" anything, and may even be frozen or somewhat incapacitated by grief and his or her new situation. It's better to express words of care and support or just be there to comfort and help in any way needed. Just be a friend.

The point is: It's good to at least be aware of all this so we are more careful in what we say, and in a better position to support or comfort our bereaved friends and family.

And maybe to better help ourselves.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.