The kind of sports news we could all use

The way things are going, I expect any or all of the following news items to show up in my e-mail any day now.

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Unable to convince fans to “Stop Hate” or “Inspire Change,” the NFL has decided for the playoffs to reduce end zone instructions and back-of-the-helmet slogans to more achievable goals such as “Sleep Late,” “Leave Early” and “Order Out.”

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The Chicago Bears cautioned that just because the team has had two players in Montez Sweat and Jaylon Johnson selected to the Pro Bowl not to expect the team to justify the high opinion of strangers.

Said a Bears’ spokesman: “This just takes the emphasis away from Justin Fields, the only Bear anyone has heard of or cares about. We have spent three years emphasizing the Fields brand and now we must start over, never mind that we are used to doing just that.”

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The National Football League announced today that it is well along on its program of individuality cleansing. It has now successfully eliminated every ounce of personality from its head coaches, the last drop being drained with the departure of Bill Belichick, who thought he was just being asked to get his hoodie washed.

"Coaching vacancies will be filled and none of them by anyone you have ever heard of," said commissioner Roger Goodell. “Now our goal is to make every coach look exactly like Mike McDaniel or Matt Eberflus, whichever one is which.”

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In another announcement from the NFL, concerned about a history of so many traditional Super Bowl disappointments, Goodell has named a committee to suggest ways to improve the final game of the year. To help things along, Goodell jotted down some notes of his own:

(1) Threaten the loser with becoming the head coach of the Chicago Bears. (2) Have Taylor Swift sing between plays, or (3) maybe just wave. (4) Dress the NFC entry like the cast in "Cats." (5) Pick the Disney World customer to play quarterback for the AFC who is most convincing shouting, "I'm going to the Super Bowl!"

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The American Medical Association confirmed that it has been authorized to examine the sport of tennis for any sign of life.

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The National Basketball Association has ordered Golden State forward Draymond Green to file off the ends of his elbows.

Experts have analyzed Green’s bone structure and have discovered that, amazingly, his elbows have grown naturally into the shape of three-sided hole punches. One expert insisted that the left elbow contains the suspicious look of a Swiss army knife mechanism, yet Green acted surprised.

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Hoping to get their sport back onto a television network that actually appears on television sets, the National Hockey League will skate the third period of all games in tuxedos and cummerbunds.

"We feel we must illustrate our new, more gentle game to the fans," said a league spokesman. "We want to show that ice hockey is not a bunch of thugs dressed from the same pile of oversized laundry hitting each other with sticks. We hope to exhibit our new direction and display the grace and finesse of our great game.

"While we very much value network TV's interest in ice sports, in a close vote, we are refusing to skate to violins, wear sequins or to lift each other without grunting. However, players have agreed to keep their teeth in. Besides, no one watches network TV anyhow."

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Responding to the increasing costs of education and in an effort to hold down expenses, college presidents have limited the number of hours members of the School of Music may practice, no matter how much they need it.

"Just as we are not in the business of turning out linebackers, the purpose of education is not to produce professional tuba players," said one university president, resisting a wink.

To assimilate the marching band and school orchestra into the full academic life, trombonists no longer will be allowed to live together but must spend at least one semester in the same dorm room with a botanist.

"And we think, " the CEO warned, "that math majors use entirely too much chalk."

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Sports Illustrated has decided not to publish a swimsuit issue this year. Editors have discovered that no one was looking at the swimsuits anyhow.

"Boy, are our faces red," an editor said. "Imagine our chagrin when our research department screened a selection of college sophomores on which swimming costume they liked the best and only two out of the 2,533 survey subjects were aware the models were wearing anything at all.

"We decided we were just wasting our time for one trombone player and one botanist."