Carolyn Hax: Negative friend may just need a redirection

Q: Through work, I was “situational friends” with “Laura.” Despite having a good life overall — devoted and financially supportive partner, well-compensated work, close family — Laura can be quite negative.

I am no longer involved in that work. Laura and I have met for lunch from time to time, and she is relentlessly negative on these occasions. Granted, she has had serious health problems, and her partner’s disabled son has moved in with them, but there is no conversation. It’s more of a one-sided rant about all the woe in her life, no matter how I try to create a genuine conversation about topics of interest to both of us. It’s draining.

She doesn’t seem to have many close friends, so I hesitate to just stop having anything to do with her. At the same time, there’s only so much I can take. Any ideas?

— Anonymous

A: It is neither your job nor your responsibility to “fix” Laura, to stay in a friendship you don’t want, or to save her from her own negativity or self-absorption.

Just saying that upfront, because:

Since you’re reluctant to quit Laura completely, you might as well try to put your compassionate stamina to practical use. Stop hinting and nudging toward “genuine conversation” and instead give her clear guidance on what you’d rather discuss.

That part is your job and responsibility, after all — to manage your side of your friendships, to set your own priorities and boundaries, and to communicate clearly.

So, for example: “I don’t mean to be insensitive; I know things are tough.” They are, by the way — those woes are whoa. “But I am struggling with negativity right now, and I would take it as a huge favor if we didn’t dwell on problems. Deal?” Present other topics to minimize awkwardness: “Tell me what shows you’re watching. Great books you’re reading?” Keep returning gently — or obviously, or goofily — to those Laura-friendly topics. You have much more leeway to do this after you’ve been clear about your intent.

Or go further and suggest walks instead of lunches, or shared activities that either drive the conversation (museums, crafts, causes) or prevent it (biking, concerts). It’s not “shut her down” so much as firm and friendly redirection.

Or go even further and say, “We’ve been friends for a while. And I want to help, but I feel like I’m in over my head with your — very legitimate! — struggles. Have you been screened for depression? Considered therapy?”

Laura could just be bad at this friendship thing. She could also be in an emotional rut, deepened by the flight of other friends who skipped the clear communication and went straight for the exits.

As I said, this extra effort is not an obligation. But it is an option, a generous one, to offer Laura the kind of friendship you’d gladly maintain, complete with user manual.

Either she accepts the offer or she will have the information she needs to understand why you no longer invite her to lunch and what she can do to improve her situation.

Or, third possibility, she takes enough offense at your candor to end the friendship for you. From here, at least, each looks like an improvement over sprinting to the exit yourself.

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