Carolyn Hax: Is too late to accept a decade-old apology?

Q: About 12 years ago, one of my closest and most important friendships imploded. Both of us were going through some things, as well as dealing with drama/trauma within our friend group. Neither of us could be what each other needed, and at times we were the exact opposite.

The kill shot to our relationship came in the form of an email detailing how I was not only predominantly responsible for the deterioration of the relationship, but also a burden to our other friends. As someone who experienced abandonment and alienation by and from friends during the majority of my childhood — something he knew — this was particularly painful. I got one paragraph into the email, closed it, and created a rule to put anything in a “do not read” folder and moved on with my life.

Last night, checking every folder for a login code, I saw a January 2014 email from my former friend with a long apology. It is a very good apology. He wasn’t looking for anything from me, but I guess having spent a year with himself and his actions, he was both remorseful and regretful about how he treated me during our friendship and in the kill-shot email.

My issue is 2014 me did not see this email; 2024 me did. If I had gotten this when it was sent, I’m not sure how I would have responded to it, if at all. But the 2024 me does not love the feeling that a sincere apology was left unanswered.

My brother thinks emailing him now, even with a simple “I hear you, thank you, I am well, I hope you are well and wish you well,” would be an invitation to rekindle the friendship. I have no desire for that, but even though I need nothing from him, it’s nagging at me that an olive branch was left to wither. So, should I reply?

— Lost in the Email

A: Now your brother owes you an apology letter. He wants you to do nothing about the email just because responding might set something else in motion — something that’s 100% within your power to prevent if you don’t want it to happen?

Ugh.

Sorry, his misguided advice distracted me into talking about the wrong person.

Please honor your impulse to reply immediately to the very good, sincere apology.

I have a bunch of reasons to believe that’s the right thing to do, but none of them applies as perfectly as your own. “It’s nagging at me that an olive branch was left to wither.” Good enough for me. Accept the gesture of peace.

Your planned message is so “simple,” though, that it might be confusing. When your response to a difficult, humble, heartfelt missive comes after a decade of silence, it is both compassionate and convenient to open with the reason for the delay. “So, I was just looking for a lost email and I found yours from 2014.” And if you’re in an elaborating kind of mood: “Unopened, because I was so hurt I gave you a ‘do not read’ rule and never went back to check.”

Then respond as you wish to the substance of his email — as your 2024 self.

Then, if he gets back to you with enthusiasm for reconnecting that you don’t happen to share, you can express your preference for a past that knows its place.

You incur no further obligation, I swear, beyond the gesture to put this to rest.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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