Carolyn Hax: Family pushes siblings to ‘make amends’ after mother’s death

Q: My mom passed away unexpectedly in October. One of my siblings (we are all adults with children) caused a lot of drama in the aftermath, during the funeral, and said hurtful things to me and the other sibling.

We are both taking a long-overdue break from our toxic sibling while we are both deeply grieving our mother. Family members and several of our sibling’s friends keep reaching out to ask us to “make amends.” I don’t share the details because I’m good with my decision to step away, but I don’t know what to say to people without sounding defensive. It’s such a painful time, and I’m frankly annoyed that it keeps coming up.

— Aggrieved While Grieving

A: Understandably so. I am sorry for your loss.

For overstepping friends and relatives, the best, simplest response is some version of “I won’t discuss this with you.” It comes in many shades of courtesy: “Thank you for your thoughts”; “Noted”; “We’re all doing our best”; “This is between us”; “I’m sure you mean well” (this New Englander’s “Bless your heart”).

Then say nothing further on the subject. You can’t sound defensive if you decline every one of these invitations to explain yourself.

About your sibling issue, I have unsolicited advice, which you’re welcome to find really annoying: Your sibling is grieving, too. Given how disorienting death can be for survivors, your sib’s deplorable behavior could have been a twisted byproduct of grief.

Now, maybe this was the last straw and your sibling’s toxicity is of long standing. If so, then I do sympathize. But because all three siblings were (are) under the influence of a death — effectively, a judgment-impairing substance — I urge you to make any straw but this one your last.

It doesn’t require forgiveness you don’t want to grant, nor must you commit to making amends. These would be out of bounds for me to advise anyway. The only decisive action you need is to commit to not deciding anything. Give yourself time, heal, remember. Bigger questions will wait till the heaviness begins to lift.

Q: I am interested in your opinion on the new fad of “private” weddings — meaning members of the wedding party (and their plus-ones), immediate siblings, parents and, of course, bride and groom. No extended family or other friends. Where we live, this has become quite popular. While I am slightly offended at not being invited, I understand people can and will make their own choices regarding such a big moment in their lives.

What I do have a problem with, however, is their wanting it all. Meaning the showers and registering for gifts. Should I be expected to attend a party and give a gift to a couple who don’t want me (and many others) at their special event? I think this is a little much.

— Not Invited But We Want Your Gift!

A: My opinion is that I don’t have to have an opinion on this.

Another opinion: Whenever that’s an option, it’s good for me to take it.

You don’t need an opinion, either, of the couple or their choices. You just have to make the decisions you’re offered:

If you want to go to the shower, then go. If you don’t, for whatever reason, then RSVP with your regrets.

If you want to, then buy a gift. If you don’t want to, then don’t buy a gift.

Responses are required, gifts are not, and congratulatory notes are thoughtful regardless, to wish couples well on your terms.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

© 2024, The Washington Post