Whenever a game is in need of change, we’re ready with ideas

As our favorite Nobel laureate reminds us, the times they are a changin,’ not to mention a shrinkin.’

Not to pick on Pickleball again. I am instead inspired by the new, cool game. Pickleball, or, as we visionaries like to think of it, is twice the fun in half the space, I can see applications all over the map.

We trend spotters have noticed that games that aren’t really games have quite a following. Pillow fighting now has its own tournaments. Corn hole eliminations attract the idly curious and the occasionally sober. Though beach volleyball is already an official Olympic sport, waiting next is an exciting hybrid called footvolley, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Indoor football, half-court basketball, miniature golf, where next to go but to baseball? You can only build so many new ballparks and change uniforms and add wild cards and play interleague games so many times. That is why I am selling franchises in the new Studio Baseball League.

Now this is a contraction idea we think will work. The SBL will have only two bases and no outfielders, so overhead is low. We think ESPN is very interested.

Our marketing people are drawing up the league logo right now. It is half a diamond, a triangle balancing on a point. If you squint, it doesn't look so much like a bandit's mask.

We've cut the field in half, right from first base to third base. That eliminates the need for a shortstop, a second baseman and all three outfielders. It also saves the franchise five salaries and three groundskeepers.

No more than four people are ever involved in one baseball play anyhow: the pitcher, catcher, batter and organist.

I know what you are thinking. Where can I sign up? Your impatience is precious, but before you get too eager, allow me to explain why you should also tell your neighbors about this wonderful opportunity.

Here's the real beauty of Studio Baseball. New stadiums can be built in vacant commuter parking lots. The whole game can be played in an abandoned food court, rescuing doomed shopping malls or empty movie theaters, so stadium availability is not a problem. Ballgames can even be scheduled at the same times as musicals and films about Truman Capote.

We have plans for abridging other sports as well. They are all outlined in our brochure for investors.

In the developmental stage is something we like to call Closet Hockey. It does not require any more ice than is needed for a Bloody Mary.

It has no puck; it has no sticks, either. The whole game is played in pantomime. Every once in a while, a red light comes on and the players dance around and hug each other. At other times, they drop their gloves and pull each other's jerseys over their heads.

Except for the smaller rink and fewer players on each side, test audiences have noticed no difference between Closet Hockey and the National Hockey League.

We have not ignored participation sports. Our favorite is Parlor Jogging. Our research has discovered that the original marathon was only 11 feet long, or the average distance between the TV and the refrigerator.

Of course, the original marathoners did not have to balance chips, dips, pizza and a six-pack while searching for the remote control.

We have great hopes for Elevator Golf. Oh, sure. Golf has a head start with executive courses and short Par-3 layouts, but our idea is even more ingenious.

The golf course is built vertically instead of horizontally; that is, each hole is also the hallway floor of an old newspaper palace. This could be a fantastic gold mine. We believe we have found a way to bring suburban real estate development into the inner city, because as we all know the only reason golf exists is to sell home sites.

Likewise, we are examining the possibility of Clubhouse Tennis. We want to build a tennis resort with no tennis courts at all. Members lounge around looking tennisy, in creased shorts with clean headbands and sweaters tied around the necks while they sip white wine coolers and play with their phones.

Hurry and invest now. No cash, please. Bitcoin only.