Grief & healing: Fused identities

One of my favorites movies is “The Bridges of Madison County.”

It’s a love story between an Italian woman who moved to Iowa about 18 years ago, and a photographer from National Geographic magazine who was in Iowa to do a photo story on the old covered bridges of Madison County.

So it’s interesting to me for several reasons, including the farming lifestyle, the beautiful bridges, the question of identity and the discovery of true love.

It’s very romantic. And it has a great script and great actors — Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood.

I think it resonates with me because of some similarities with my own life experience.

One similarity is basically “love at first sight.” This is something that actually happens. I’m sure there are others out there who have experienced that. It certainly happened with me and my dear husband, Baheej.

Another similarity is a sort of deep spiritual bonding. Just knowing this is the right life partner.

Also that relationships are often complicated and can cause some very large changes and big decisions.

And still another is that these bonds last forever.

Sometimes a movie comes along and just speaks to you. In this case, the movie had a rather sad ending, but my story had a happy ending.

I was only 22 when I met my husband. I still had college to finish and graduate school ahead. So lots of chapters. A long story. I think this is how identities get fused together. Many years of shared experiences.

The matter of how identities get fused together, intertwined, interests me. And it creates a great problems and intense grief when one of the partners dies.

There is a line in the dialogue that made a big impression on me because I experienced it: Robert says to Francesca, “We’re hardly two separate people now.”

And later he says, “This kind of certainty comes but just once in a lifetime.”

The point is: These fused identities do happen for some and it leads to very intense grief when one of the partners dies. I think it is a key factor in creating and understanding long-term grief. It certainly makes managing and coping with grief more difficult.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@aol.com.