Grief & healing: It’s difficult to celebrate Father’s Day without fathers

Father’s Day is always in early June. This year it was June 16.

It is usually a fun day. But what do we do when there are no fathers left in your family.

I imagine I am not alone in this situation.

Of course, my grandfathers died years ago. And my own father died in 1999. And both my brothers, who were also fathers, have died. Nic, a year older, and Rex, six years younger than me. And my dear husband Baheej died almost 13 years ago.

So all this makes Father’s Day a bit of a strange holiday for me. Especially since it was usually a backyard barbecue family gathering, where the fathers cooked steaks, burgers, hot dogs or chicken on the grill for everyone — cooking their own celebration meal!

As the years moved ahead, it was just the two of us here alone, Baheej and me. But we stuck to the traditional home barbecue on Father’s Day.

But it was always quite a different celebration compared to Mother’s Day. Even now. Traditionally, families took their wife, mother and grandmother out to a fancy brunch or dinner at a restaurant, and still do. Many restaurants offer a lavish Mother’s Day brunch, and they are always packed.

I really don’t know how or why this discrepancy in type of festivity happens, but that’s how it was when I was growing up, and still is to a great extent I think. Must be related to traditional gender roles, a day off mom, the chief chef!

But it’s not really an issue if there are no fathers left to barbecue or to celebrate. My sister, Mary, is pretty much in the same situation on Father’s Day as I am.

And I know it’s only one of several holidays where memories of a father, partner or spouse come rushing back. But it can cause a special sadness because it is explicitly named Father's Day.

Well, I’ve got a new approach in mind that I plan to put into action starting next year:

It’s time to switch our Father's Day celebrations and good wishes to the new generation — to sons, nephews and grandsons, or friends. It may not be backyard barbecues but there are other ways to recognize and celebrate, including pet parents and pet fathers. And we can always celebrate happy memories from the past.

You are fortunate if your family, or some of it, live close by, or at least within reasonable driving distance.

Many families live spread out, at a distance too far to get together for a single Sunday.

The point is: If we think of our current generation of fathers, they are indeed sons, nephews and grandsons. So it may not be brats on the grill, but we can still recognize these good fathers by greeting cards, email, text and phone calls. And we always can celebrate memories. Next year I will do so.

This year I did stop by at a local barbecue and burger restaurant on Father’s Day, and I was cheered to see it was packed with families taking fathers out for lunch! That’s a positive change!

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@aol.com.