Carolyn Hax: Scofflaw in-law is ‘outraged’ to be banned from family lake house

Q: My husband and I inherited a family lake house years ago. It is not fancy, and we have a very liberal visiting policy for family: a sign-up sheet online for dates and kitchen duties, and guests contribute to cleaning fees. It runs well.

My one strict rule is that children 12 and younger cannot be on the dock or water’s edge or in the water without an adult or lifeguard-certified teen. Teens and adults cannot swim alone.

My new niece-in-law has three kids under 12 from a previous marriage. Last summer, she allowed the kids to go in the water by themselves. After it happened, I explained the rule, why I have it, and that if she can’t follow it, then she won’t be welcomed back. She did it again this summer, and I’ve told her she is no longer welcome. Her kids can come when her husband is here or with another adult, but she is not welcome.

She is outraged. My nephew is angry at me, so now his parents are angry at me.

My husband wants to give her one more chance. She, by the way, is not repentant at all, but instead indignant that these are her kids and she gets to set the rule. I’m still fuming, but do I need to compromise?

— Ugh

A: I’m outraged on your behalf that you’ve become the target of anyone’s outrage.

Some push back, I can understand. Your penalty is harsh. It’s also very (very) unfortunate the person who decided to test you on it: 1. Is part of your family only recently by marriage. 2. Brings children to the family from a prior relationship. Those are some tough optics, as they say.

But the arguments in your favor are more numerous and stronger:

• It’s a stupid-obvious safety issue. You’re not imposing bans over dish soap.

• It’s your property. If you want to make rules over dish soap, then you can. People who don’t like them can jump in some other lake.

• You gave her fair warning.

• If she believed all along that her parental say over her own kids superseded your rules at your house, then she had two chances to say that out loud: when you told her your big rule, and when you warned her the first time she broke it. She chose not to own her position then.

So she revealed herself, didn’t she? She intended all along just to ignore you and get away with it.

So that’s why you can’t fold under the pressure of her tantrum — because then she will have successfully called your bluff. Then all your authority will be off.

Maybe the rest of the family won’t take advantage of you for it; your track record says they won’t. But your family will keep extending in time, and vacation property is famous for testing the ability for polite understandings to survive across generations.

One way to remain inclusive with your nephew’s branch of the family, but not compromise your authority, is to indicate you will absolutely reconsider your ban and welcome her back with open arms. Your niece-in-law simply has to speak to you directly once she has had a change of heart. “We have one rule, we need buy-in, and she knows where we are when she’s ready to buy in.”

In other words, she eats dirt, not you. Just make sure you don’t put it that way.

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