Carolyn Hax: Widowed mom’s snooping lands her in a hotel

Q: I am a widow with an only child. I have spent Christmas with my son and his now-wife for the past three years.

My son recently told me they would be “putting me up” in a “lovely hotel” this Christmas. Read, “You can’t stay with us!” I know this is coming from my daughter-in-law, who overreacted to a minor incident last Christmas.

I had found papers in the guest room desk that indicated: 1. My daughter-in-law is the recipient of a trust fund. (She never told me!) 2. The year before they married, she was in the hospital for a serious illness. (She never told me that, either!) The next morning at breakfast, I confronted her about hiding important information from me. She was unnecessarily upset and said I was snooping. I said if you don’t want guests to see papers, you shouldn’t leave them in the guest room.

My son sided with her. Eventually, that blew over and we had an OK Christmas.

After my son told me I had to stay in a hotel, my daughter-in-law sent a fake-nice email saying she was looking forward to seeing me and was sure I would enjoy the hotel with its “festive holiday decorations.” They are footing the bill — I’m sure she can afford it with her trust fund.

I feel mistreated. I am furious at my son for taking sides against me and at her for manipulating my son into making me stay at a hotel. How can I get him to stand up to his wife? Doesn’t a widow deserve to stay at her only son’s home to celebrate Christmas with him?

— There IS Room at the Inn

A: Great, I get to shout this one over violins.

And to hit all the ways you overstepped, I’ll need 12 verses and five golden rings.

He took her side because you snooped. You opened a desk and read private things. Then you mistook things as your business that were plainly not, then spun them into personal offense. Then you pounced at breakfast, where a more respectful and forgiving posture after some thought — or better yet, never — would have served everyone better, you especially. Then you presumed to blame the victim for your lapse in manners and judgment.

And lest you accuse me of piling on, I’ll call this a backhanded credit to you: You forgot the cardinal rule of a child’s marriage, that you and he are no longer the primary family unit. They are each other’s. Meaning your son learned from his parents to support his wife.

I should say, that was after you closed off the options available to him that were better for you. Had you instead apologized promptly, and in full, then you might still have the guest room.

Or if you hadn’t blamed her for storing papers too close to your eyeballs. (A sign she trusted you, by the way.)

Or if you had used the past year to reflect humbly on your own actions instead of saying, with breathtaking dismissiveness, that she “overreacted” “unnecessarily” to this “minor” encroachment.

Or if you didn’t stoop to cheap shots about her trust fund. You’ve got ornaments, lady.

I take no pleasure in siding against a “widow with an only child” who just wants to “celebrate Christmas with him.”

But the violins can’t mask self-serving excuses.

So I’m assigning you homework. Say to a mirror: “I want to celebrate Christmas with them.” Repeat till it clicks.

Then prove it. Admit, “I behaved badly.”

Her email was a gift. I recommend you accept it, because you vs. “them” = hotel.

• E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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