Carolyn Hax: ‘Sweet’ boyfriend tries to drive wedge between partner and family

Q: I know a boyfriend trying to isolate you is a concern, but I’m not sure if it applies in my case.

My boyfriend has never tried to forbid me to see my family or friends, but he definitely tries to make me think negatively about them. Example: He confronted me with a lawsuit he somehow found in which my dad was sued and said, “I bet you didn’t know your dad cheated his business partner.”

I actually did know all about this. My dad didn’t “cheat” anybody, and the lawsuit was dismissed. But this is typical of the kind of thing my boyfriend does — he tries to find reasons I shouldn’t trust my family or friends.

But my boyfriend can also be very sweet and generous with me, and this is honestly the best relationship I’ve had. I’m wondering how concerned you think I should be.

— Isolated?

A: He is very sweet and generous because why else would you put up with his criticisms if he weren’t?

Meaning, his sweetness is not a “but” — it’s an “and.” He drives wedges AND is extra sweet to you. Alienating you from your people (isolation) toward him (love bombing). Follow the steps: He’s your only person … you doubt yourself … perfect conditions for control.

Learn more from the One Love Foundation (joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org).

Or skip the reading and join me in finding anything phrased in “I bet you didn’t know …” form twerpish beyond redemption. Is he in middle school?

Or ask him why he’s so giddy about digging up dirt on your family. Then say it’s a rhetorical question because you’re breaking up with him. At least, that’s how I scripted it in my head.

But the more riled up I get, or get you, the further we both get from the issue of your accepting this behavior so passively from your boyfriend. You’re not comfortable with it, which is good. But you’re not acting on your discomfort — even as he trashes your people to the extent it is now “typical.”

You can break up with him, but probably not this tendency in you without some help. A reluctance to speak up often means you’re not confident in what you have a right to ask for. That’s a good question for counseling, but the short version is this: kindness and respect for you, *and for your people.* Your family may be flawed, but your partners can still show them respect.

Q: Ugh. Every. Single. Time. Husband bends over, everyone sees his crack. Emptying the dishwasher, getting something from the oven, looking in a bottom shelf. I’m beyond embarrassed if my family is around, and plain disgusted if it’s just us. He will say he’ll look for other pants, or tell me not to make a big deal out of it. I have no recourse that I can think of — kind of a stupid reason to get divorced.

I want my opinion and feelings to matter and make a difference to him. Thoughts?

— Embarrassed Wife

A: So, you’re saying he cleans, cooks and buys his own clothes.

I do get your frustration. It’s really the ultimate line item in a human connection, wanting to be heard.

Well, tied for ultimate, with this: wanting our person not to find us embarrassing and disgusting.

If you can find it in you to imagine yourself in your husband’s place, being the object of revulsion, then maybe you can breathe in, square up and take him out for a nice day shopping for pants. And maybe talk about what’s really going on.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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