Carolyn Hax: Mom wants to leave money to only one of two children

Q: What do you suggest about leaving money to one of my children and not the other? My husband of 34 years says his mother, who left us money, wouldn’t have liked that.

We have a 22-year-old son and 24-year-old daughter. “M” walked out of my life when she was 18. She cites that I was judgmental, which I was. But she also had an adverse reaction to boundary setting — curfews, collecting cellphones and other parenting things I did as the “bad cop” mother. I made her go to church, also something she resents.

We paid for years of therapy. It’s also true that she spends her birthdays eating in my favorite restaurants, hiking my favorite trails and going on vacation to places I “dragged her” as a child.

I offered to go to family therapy with her. She has told me she “forgives” me but doesn’t want a relationship. I’ve spent years in therapy to accept this. I follow the recommendations of the therapist and have a great relationship with my son.

I don’t want to leave any money to “M.” I want to leave it all to my son and the various charities where I volunteer. I don’t want to put my son in a difficult situation, and my husband is upset by this. Advice?

— Mother

A: Ask yourself whether you’d finally feel good about yourself, finally be at peace, if you had it in writing that you’d get the last word. That’s what this is, taking the need to win to your grave.

It has already cost you one child — a price that would give most people pause about their methods. But you’re still going. Now you’ve “upset” your husband but aren’t backing down or giving your approach a deep rethink — you’re coming to me instead. And you KNOW you’re putting your son in a “difficult situation.” Anyone who pays any attention to this stuff KNOWS punitive bequests put enormous strain on heirs.

This money would be nothing to you. Who cares if she gets it? You’ll be dead.

But you will not give your daughter the last word! You want it, and, by God, you’re going to get it.

That’s how you sound. Petty. If you don’t want to sound this way, then don’t do it.

Pick your justification: because your relationship could change before your will does. Because you’re more hurt than angry, and this is a forever-angry reaction. Because it’s the endgame in a power struggle that began with an adolescent when you were the adult. Because it’s your husband’s money, too. Because, oh my goodness, is this what you really care about?

Let’s talk about the part that does matter: Yes, yes, parents must set boundaries. But yours triggered a massive “adverse reaction,” so.

Did you reflect, revisit and revise as she grew, or just my-way her to the highway? I wouldn’t force church, for example, on a kid who’d formed her own, different beliefs. Yes, out of respect.

Kids tell parents what they need us to be. If you just hear “pushover!” in that sentence and dig in, then welcome to your power struggle.

Don’t take it from me. Pull up a search engine and read about authoritative parenting, which has humility and listening built into its boundaries, vs. authoritarian. Estrangement outcomes haunt the latter.

I might have read you all wrong, of course — in which case I’m sorry. Wrong happens. Try admitting it sometime, kids love it. M’s birthday, maybe?: “I really screwed this up. Us. I am so sorry.” Now, that’s a legacy. (Plus half the cash.)

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

© 2025 The Washington Post