Carolyn Hax: Grace period is up with partner’s self-involved friend

Q: My partner (of three years) has three couples as friends. I find it barely tolerable to be with one of the couples. He and his late wife were involved in many church activities with them over the years, and had children in the same grades as this couple’s children.

The wife can only talk about herself, her job, her children or her political views and literally nothing else. I have known her three years and I know everything about her, but she knows nothing about me. There is no back-and-forth. She shows no interest in me, never asks about my life. It’s a monologue. It is boring, but I also feel awful because I am not acknowledged in any way. One time, my partner intentionally tried to steer the conversation to talk about my life and she kept changing the subject back to herself.

I do not ever want to see this woman again. Three years of a one-way street is all I can tolerate.

My partner told me his late wife didn’t care for the wife, either. My partner doesn’t want to end the friendship — I haven’t asked him to — because they are one of only three couples he considers friends. Also, they were very supportive of him when his wife died.

I couldn’t imagine having my friend treat him similarly and not saying anything. If I refuse to go, it will come to a head. But I can’t see going out with them again. It’s too awful. Do I force myself to go for my partner’s sake?

— M.

A: So, dumping the couple is out and dumping yourself from the foursome is out. Having your partner intercede on your behalf is apparently out? And socializing as usual is out.

You know what this means, don’t you?

You will have to stick up for yourself.

Unless your partner asked you to be a complete pushover for some reason — some unimpeachably excellent reason?

If not: “[Wife], I’ll just say it. I feel like I know you now, and your job, kids and politics. But the information flows one way. May I ask why?”

Even better, do the unthinkably unbearable and invite her out one-on-one, then promptly set YOUR tone. Take the above tack or a different one: “[Partner] says you were really there for him when [late wife] died. I know it’s hard to incorporate someone new. Still, we’re in Year 3. I think it’s time for me to exist.” Not meanly, bluntly. Try to jar this thing loose.

I not only prefer the one-on-one option here, but also suggest you choose a near-silent place for it. The wife may be self-absorbed and historically not a favorite, sure, but these can be true AND she could also have hearing loss, for example, or cognitive challenges, social anxiety or struggles reading cues. Each could explain the monologuing.

The outing idea may lead nowhere, of course. She may stonewall you, gaslight you, or apologize profusely and then resume monologuing. Or you may decide you’d rather skip it and play with scorpions.

So do this, too: Choose not to take her personally. Seeing her as boring and exclusionary presumes a motive — but she drones indiscriminately, right? That’s a what without a why.

So go with “boring,” without the “but also.” You will still want to peel your skin off as you wait for your double dates to end, yes. (It’s not just me, right, everyone feels like that?) But this way, you’re only giving up your time as a gift to your partner — not your dignity, soul or self.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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