Carolyn Hax: Widowed mom struggles with family politics while planning vacation

Q: My two children are in their 30s, and my husband of over 40 years, their father, died four years ago from a debilitating neurological disease. Last summer, I treated my children, my son’s girlfriend, her mom (“Anne”) and a few friends of my daughter to a beach vacation, staggering the friends’ visits over the two weeks. My children and I were alone for a few days without company.

During Anne’s one-week stay, my daughter was very upset. She feels that Anne has a big personality, and when her brother, his girlfriend and Anne are together, the vacation becomes her brother’s “show.” She feels she does not have to spend vacations with his girlfriend’s mother until they’re married.

I talked her off the ledge and agreed that I would not include Anne this summer.

Anne is very generous and inclusive. She has treated my son to extravagant vacations in several countries and has invited my daughter and me on her family’s deluxe ski vacations. My daughter has declined, and I miss her on these trips.

This summer, I planned another two-week vacation and failed to remember my promise not to invite Anne again. When I informed my daughter, she became extremely upset and already informed me that she can join us for only part of the two weeks.

When I told my son about the dilemma, he became irate. He thinks his sister is being overly difficult.

It is impossible to arrange the visits so that my daughter and Anne do not overlap. How would you advise me to navigate this?

— Newly Single Mother of Adult Children

A: I would advise the equivalent of what I did to your letter.

I don’t typically share this process, but I published only about 40% of your question. I pared down backstories, detours, a good deal of fretting and a raft of detail.

You can finish the job by stripping away everything but this:

Daughter dislikes brother’s girlfriend’s mother, whom you accidentally invited to another family vacay after promising not to.

That’s everything.

The more you add, the more you complicate a simple, normal and rather easily dispatched problem. Here’s why it’s simple:

• Anne (or anyone) could be just fine and still not charming to everyone. Oh, well.

• There’s no good reason to stick your daughter with her brother’s girlfriend’s mother on vacations, even if the couple eventually marry.

• Nuclear family members can veto a vacation’s “special guest stars.” That’s fair.

• It’s lovely that Anne includes you. Yay, Anne. But you needn’t reciprocate by hosting your own more-the-merrier family extravagances to which you invite Anne. If you want that, great, but not if it means forcing them on your kids.

The theme here? Minimizing drama. Choose the lowest-drama interpretation of EVERYTHING. Remove fuel from fires. Let reactions settle before you respond.

This will be especially useful as you navigate the extra disorientation of widowhood, for which you have my condolences.

So: “OK, you don’t like Anne, no problem,” is all you ever needed to say to your daughter. That is, after muscling through this summer’s mistake.

For that, just admit you blew it, let your daughter choose her dates to get the least Anne — then let go. Then don’t screw it up again.

And never ever again “t[ell] my son about the dilemma” unless he’s integral. That was drama-plus. As were your kids’ “extremely upset” and “irate” reactions — so I wonder, is that their volatility or your emotionally heightened retelling?

Either way, shallow breathing and big reactions were then. Now: deep breaths, ever smaller reactions. Beach. Good luck.

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