Lincicome: Baseball by the alphabet is a lot more than your ABCs
Nothing to it, ma. Baseball season is as easy as ABC, and so on.
A is for American League, also known as the place where 12 other teams pile on top of the White Sox, leaving only the Angels and Royals as lumpy under pillows. (See O for Optimist).
B is for Baseball. Without it FanDuel, Caesars Sportsbook and Draft Kings would have no place to hang their signs.
C is for Counsell. Or for Craig, same guy, the present manager and hoodie model of the Cubs, picked by some to be manager of the year when he needs to be manager of the day.
D is for Disclaimer. Included in very tiny print with all the sports gambling advertisements. Loosely translated, “It ain’t our fault, stupid.” Otherwise known as the Pete Rose Rebuff.
E is for Energy. Hard to maintain over 162 games, especially tough on overweight pitchers and round right fielders, but no problem at all for designated hitters and first base coaches.
F is for Forkball. Every pitcher is working on one, usually just after a visit to the hardware store.
G is for Goodman, Steve. Wonderful songwriter of the happy semi-chant “Go Cubs Go,” as well as “A Dying Cubs Fan’s Last Request,” more mournfully accurate.
H is for Home Run. Also known as dinger, round tripper and moon shot, or in the immortal words of Harry Caray, “It might be, it could be, it is. Holy Cow!”
I is for Iron Mike. The most fearsome pitcher is the pitching machine. The one used by the Cubs has struck out more batters than Nolan Ryan.
J is for Journalist. Mustard stained, thesaurus dog-eared, he faithfully keeps trust that baseball matters and that newspapers will make a comeback.
K is for Strikeout. Used in scorebooks, it comes from the last letter of “struck” while the reverse K (meaning called out looking) comes from a hangover.
L is for Logos, most notably the Braves who refuse to join the Indians and Redskins in changing their offensive use of Native American imagery, but they have discarded Chief Noc-A-Homa into the pile with Chief Wahoo and Little Beaver.
M is for Mascot. These are logos put into motion and have their own hall of fame. Some say it all started with the San Diego Chicken and others blame Morganna the Kissing Bandit, history can be so unreliable.
N is for Next Year. This is what we’ve been waiting all winter for. It will last in Chicago until mid-May.
O is Optimism (as promised). No team that lost 121 games one year has ever lost more games the next season because no team has lost 121 games before the White Sox, not counting the 1899 Cleveland Spiders who never played another game.
P is for Prospect. They are kept around and are forced to wear numbers in the 70s so the manager knows who to send out for the burritos.
Q is for Quality At-Bat. Last seen around here in 2016.
R is for Rotator Cuff. The two most feared words in baseball, other than that other R curse, Jerry Reinsdorf.
S is for Slogan. The Cubs are going with “Be Here For It,” which can be taken as “Misery Loves Company,” and if you do not believe that, check out a fly strip.
T is for Third. Inning, that is. This is when the bullpen begins to warm up.
U is for Underdog. Some teams use lack of expectation as motivation to prove critics wrong. Others play on the South Side of Chicago.
V is for Veterans. Players who have stayed with one team long enough to go to another team for more money and then coast out the rest of their contract.
W is for Wrigley Field. The best place to watch baseball in June. Other months, not so much.
X is for X-ray. Isn’t it always?
Y is for Yesterday. Dwelling place for Chicago baseball fans. Plenty of room available. To quote the Eagles, “You can check out, but you can never leave.”
Z is for the Zodiac. Still the most reliable method of picking pennant winners, and mine says Dodgers and Rangers.