Carolyn Hax: Grandma tired of hearing the grandkids are ‘too busy’
Q: I genuinely enjoy time with my three grandchildren, an 8-year-old and 4-year-old twins, and would love to spend more time with them.
Our daughter, their mother, works and maintains a busy schedule for them; weekends and school vacations are packed with activities. Daughter does not hesitate to call on us when they need “coverage” for appointments, picking up kids from school, etc. I feel my only value is as a babysitter.
I would love to spend more time with them and do things with them, but weeknights are out as far as my daughter is concerned, and when I ask if we can get together during a weekend, they are “too busy.”
Granddad says we should just get used to it, but I miss them.
— Left-Out Grandmom
A: You may have noticed, there is no question in your question.
Plus, Granddad’s “Get used to it” and your “I miss them” are not two different options to choose from. They are not either-or. No doubt Granddad misses them, too; he has merely accepted that your attempts to budge your daughter were unsuccessful. Therefore, he advises you to accept the outcome and make the best of it as he has.
I think your question is this, which might explain why you didn’t ask it explicitly: “Is it OK for me not to take my daughter’s ‘no’ for an answer?”
THAT is the alternative to “get used to it,” after all — to push your daughter harder for more grandkid time. Pressure can come in many forms, too, whether it’s to ask her more frequently to see the kids, get more emotional when you ask, question or even criticize her parenting choices, or say nothing and let your body language announce you will not be getting “used to” your role.
And you must know how problematic each one is, especially as a parent yourself.
You had your turn to rear your kid(s). Your daughter gets to make these decisions for hers now. Technically even bad ones, which I’m not saying these are.
Meanwhile, reality is more than just a bit player here. Three young kids, one or two adults, job(s), schooling, activities, appointments, rides all over — you bet they’re scheduled.
That “coverage” you sniff at might be your prime way in from “left out.”
Do suggest activities with the kids *on occasion,* ones that fit their culture vs. fighting it (forcing their mom to keep turning you down is not cool). But since you apparently haven’t tried it yet, a one-off, general conversation on being more involved makes sense — without a whiff of judging or guilt-tripping.
Don’t: “I just want to see more of my grandkids, but you are always ‘too busy’ — unless, of course, you need a babysitter.”
Do: “You’re running multiple schedules at once, I get it, and caring for everyone’s needs. So, is there a regular role I could play that would help you? It’s a shameless ploy to see the kids more, but I’m hoping it’s a win-win-win.”
If I just described exactly the arrangement you already have with your daughter and are complaining about to Granddad and me, then … oopsie. But two notes of caution, if that’s the case. First, with childhoods moving as fast as they do, I wouldn’t advise squandering a day of the access you have being upset that it’s not the access you prefer.
Second, the closest grand-bonds I’ve witnessed grew more out of shared labor (babysitting, rides and other help) than planned get-togethers. Coverage is the stuff of love.
So that really is what I advise: to let yourself see it that way.
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.
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