Carolyn Hax: Friend’s people-pleasing tendencies is straining relationship

Q: A close friend of mine is a huge people pleaser. I can tell she feels insecure about her friendships, even ours, and is constantly trying to “not be a burden.” I’ve tried to jokingly halt these comments and get her to realize that it is not at all the case, that being a burden to me and our other shared friends is not something she should worry about.

Some of her tendencies also deeply annoy me. It feels hard to hang out casually because she will apologize if I get her a glass of water and will never help decide plans about dinner because she’s “super easy.” I’ve never taken it out on her, but there are times when this drives me a bit crazy and I can sense I’m turning cold on her, which I don’t want to do.

I worry that calling out this behavior won’t necessarily do her any good, either. I think she needs to look at her actions and realize it on her own. This behavior has created some distance between us.

Do I bring this up? Or do I just set boundaries so that I can stay un-annoyed while maintaining our close friendship?

— Annoyed

A: I just want to say up-front that I don’t mean to single you out; I think people pleasers have this effect on a lot of people. If not most.

OK, so: This whole scene is completely nuts.

She’s a “people pleaser,” but it’s this very trait that displeases her people.

You say her being a burden is “not at all the case” — but it is the case. Except she worries it’s for wanting a glass of water, when it’s really for worrying so much about being a burden.

You, meanwhile, won’t tell her this, wanting her to “realize it on her own.” Except you know for certain she’s looking in the wrong place because that’s the whole problem.

Meanwhile, you’re “turning cold” and distancing yourself. But your goal is “maintaining your close friendship.”

I hope you see the same chain reaction I see: one person after another saying everything but what they really want to say … until it finally burns itself out as all the friendships die of frustration.

As I said, nothing personal. People pleasers set this in motion by setting a tone of such extreme truth avoidance. It takes an unusually confident communicator to talk right through all these artificial no-talk zones.

The way to interrupt the sad flameout process is to be direct with your friend, with love. “The only burden in getting you a glass of water is having to prove it’s not a burden.” [Shoulder squeeze.]

Or to say, when you’re choosing a restaurant: “Not having a suggestion or opinion is not ‘super easy’ because then it falls to me. Besides, I like opinions other than mine.”

And this fits either one: “It’s OK to take up space!” That can have a light tone, or a deeper one if you want it to be a conversation opener. Then, if you’re very good friends: “I’m sorry someone taught you it wasn’t.”

You have standing to say this because it’s not “tak[ing]” anything “out on her”; it addresses the point where your needs and hers overlap. She’s worried she’s a burden? OK, then. Think of this as responding, “Here’s what isn’t burdensome to me.”

I hope it goes without saying, you’re trying to fix the friendship, not the friend. You’re not her therapist. But hoo, boy, these sound like things that kindly, kindly need to be said.

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