Trust better than curfew when college kid is home

Q. Help! I have a college freshman home for the holidays and she expects to have the same freedom at home that she has enjoyed in her dorm for the past three months -- i.e., no curfew. She's a good kid, but I'm having trouble with the no-curfew concept. Can you suggest some reasonable guidelines for both of us?

Parent

A. For her: When you're out at school, your parents aren't lying semi-awake waiting to hear you come in. Plus, it's on-campus, vs. (probably) in-car. Plus, college housing has college rules, right? So parent housing has parent rules. (Broad hint: Your ability to process these nuances is in direct proportion to your maturity.)

For you: Dusting off high-school rules will infantilize anyone who is no longer in high school.

You want maturity from her, she wants freedom from you, and neither of you is getting either without an assist from the other.

So: Honest disclosure of whereabouts + appreciation that being out all night isn't an inalienable right + judgment deserving of increased respect = substitution of trust in place of a curfew. Find middle, meet there.

Q. Recently I have been coming out with my sexuality. I'm still in high school, but I'm afraid to tell my parents. They have always thought differently of gay people, and with my being a bisexual I have this feeling they would think of me differently. My friends who do know all tell me the same thing, that I should come out with the truth and what's the worst that can happen? What should I do, tell them now or wait until I feel comfortable?

Confused

A. How your parents deal with gay people may seem like the point, but it isn't; it's a distraction. From the beginning of time, parents have been asked to embrace in their children things that they never considered, or always feared, or passively dismissed as the province of somebody else.

You're just the next in line.

This isn't to diminish the importance of your parents' acceptance (as your friends have; the "worst" is a pretty big deal). I just think you need to put it into perspective: While your parents' acceptance would go a long way toward helping you feel at peace with yourself, your being at peace with yourself will go a longer way toward gaining your parents' acceptance.

Even the most tolerant parents will be reluctant to embrace something over which a child appears torn, even if it's something so mild as quitting a hobby or team.

So while absolute comfort may not be a realistic goal -- even straight adults aren't keen on discussing their sexuality with their parents -- a good intermediate goal would be to sort out, in your mind, exactly what you're hoping to say.

That may seem obvious. But things you tell your friends evolve over months or years. When it comes time to convert them to a Big Announcement, the words aren't always where you think they're going to be.

Gather your thoughts, and pick out the one statement you can make with absolute certainty -- even if the statement itself is one of uncertainty, such as, "I'm questioning my sexuality."

Then ask yourself: Is this something I'm ready to say? Trust yourself to know when the answer is yes.

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