If it's respect he's lacking, look for a new boyfriend

Q. Oh, what to do about lovely "boyfriend" who freaks at the idea of being exclusive? We're in our 30s, dating just over a year. It started out as very casual, and in my mind has grown much less so (messages every day or two, nights together twice a week). He comes with me to all of my functions, treats me sweetly, knows all my friends. It's confounding to me that he could be so sweet yet unable to discuss our relationship.

I'm not asking for marriage right now … just wondering how interested he even is. How can I talk about this without scaring him away?

Am I just blind to the fact that he's not interested?

In New York, City of Options

A. OK, I guess talking about it is out.

Fine. You already know what you need to know, which means it's a matter of acting on it.

Which means it's time to decide what you hope to accomplish. This isn't Month 2 with the guy, it's Year 2; he is in his 30s; you've granted him a valuable place in your life. You want him either to do the same for you, or to have a good, transparent reason not to. Ya? Either one would be honest; it's deception that makes you a plaything.

Murky as things may seem in day-to-day life, there are really only two courses of action when you want respect in a relationship: Get it, or go.

You either believe he's committed to you, or you don't, and if you don't, then here's the line you break up with: "I don't want to be with someone who isn't grateful I'm here."

Q. I've recently started dating a really great girl. She's perfect for me in every way; she has a decent job, doesn't do drugs and has a stable home life. However, when the opportunity came for me to meet her family, she wanted to introduce me only as her "friend." Her family knows she is gay and so does mine. She and I definitely do not have a "friendly" relationship; far from it. Am I wrong to feel insulted? Should I break away from the relationship before I get too involved? I just can't see myself being with someone who cannot be open and honest about our relationship. I hope I'm overreacting because she really could be the one.

Insulted

A. Have you asked? She could just hate the terms "girlfriend," "partner" and "lover"; if so, she's got company. Or, she isn't ready to label someone she just started dating. Another popular stance. Or, she's a player.

In other words, if you haven't asked yet, nonjudgmentally, then you are overreacting. It may have nothing to do with shame.

Or maybe you're right, it is shame -- but reflexive, not conscious.

Point being: Unknowns are to be flushed out and faced, not just assumed, denounced and dumped.

There's another possible unknown you might want to tackle first. Your question is about being treated with respect -- understandably -- and yet look at your description of "perfect for me": All it's missing is "hasn't killed anyone lately." These attributes fit almost anyone who's not a delinquent, which makes them minimums, not ideals. Any reason your sights are so low?

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