Friends need to agree to disagree

Q. A close friend and I have girls who grew up together and, now both 18, still do a lot together. I thought we always shared many of the same family values and opinions, but maybe I was wrong. She has allowed boys in her daughter's bedroom, I do not.

I believe in the "my house, my rules" thing. She thinks it's being too strict. Please tell me I am not being old-fashioned, please tell me I'm doing the right thing. She is allowing her daughter to bring her steady boyfriend on family trips and giving them a separate hotel room so they can have privacy. I say NO, they are not engaged and it is not acceptable. Of course, my daughter thinks she is the "cool" mom.

Now my friend tells me it's a closed subject, and she is right because she has so many other friends who agree that I must be the one with the problem! What can I tell her when she continually tells me I have too many "issues"?

Not a Cool Mom

A. I take issue with her making an issue of your issues. They're yours, you're entitled. So why does she care so much?

That's a question you ought to ask her. But if you're not in the mood to reopen this (understandably), then please at least ask it of yourself.

Of my three theories, the first is easiest to dismiss: that she genuinely thinks you're doing something bad. It just strains credulity.

While your daughters are, to most governments, at the age of majority, there still aren't a whole lot of parents celebrating this milestone by scooting their daughters off to bed their boyfriends.

Theory 2 is more elusive: that she worries she is doing something bad, and validates her own permissiveness attacking your strictness.

It works, I guess, except for my nagging suspicion that if she really were just judging herself, she'd be defensive. You paint her as on the attack.

So I like Theory 3. You don't want support, you want ammo. You're judging her, and she counterattacks. (Like a middle-schooler, but that's beside the point.)

Admittedly, I shudder at her choice. Since "teenage" plus "sex" equals "irrationality," I'll explain my reasoning in terms of, say, children and music: You wait till your child shows sustained commitment to years of lessons and practice, then you buy a violin. Right? And even then, you buy used? You don't bring parental weight to a whim.

Your mommy war is about approbation , not sex; even you have to agree that teenage sex freely occurs in college dorms beyond the reach of "my house" rules. The issue is that this 18-year-old daughter could commit her heart fully to a different guy by this time next year -- or next season -- and yet your friend's buying the violin.

Instead, I think a kid needs to hear: Establish yourself on your own terms (and own dime, ideally), and I'll support your choices accordingly.

That said, you can't have your ammo. I don't like being used that way.

Besides, genuine belief in the "'my house, my rules' thing" demands belief in "her house, her rules." Get out of the muck of each other's choices, and back up where friends belong -- respecting each other's right to choose.

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