Give kids ideal beyond 'intact household'

Q. I have recently become romantically involved with a friend of a few years. We are both choosing to remain in loveless marriages for the sake of our children. Just because I made the mistake of marrying someone I shouldn't have, doesn't mean my children should suffer a broken home, but I can't deny myself the new love I've found.

It is becoming more difficult to pretend everything is rosy. I intend to dissolve my marriage after the children are grown, but my spouse is unaware of this. I realize I am sacrificing both of our happiness for the children's sake. Please don't advise me to talk to my spouse, because that will end my marriage and I'm not ready for that. How can I make the best of this situation?

C.

A. Making the best of any situation demands that you first admit the worst of it. Your home may be intact, but Daddy's strained, preoccupied, and counting the days till he can dump Mommy. That is, if he's ready then.

(You didn't assign genders, but I will for convenience.)

If you're going to sacrifice the happiness of "both," then aren't you depicting marriage as a choice between two evils? Either it's a loveless trudge that you tacitly blame on your kids -- since you're stuck because of them - or it's a fraud you expose abruptly when you blindside them all with divorce.

Believe it or not, I'm sympathetic. There is no good choice except being in love with and married to your kids' mom, and sometimes life takes that one off the menu.

But replacing the under-examined happily-ever-after cliche with an under-examined staying-together-for-the-kids cliche (while you're busy not denying yourself the forbidden-true-love cliche) is not the answer.

Think think think, please, for your kids. What do they see, what is their home like, what can you do -- given your limited choices -- to equip them for healthy emotional lives? Will they see that Dad came home every day against his will (except when seeing his mistress) -- or was present and showing his wife respect if not affection? Love if not passion?

I find it hard to believe deception is the best lesson you can teach here. It and "amicable divorce" -- which you eventually want -- rarely coexist.

Remember, too, when you do split, your kids will apply this new truth to old memories, and adjust their image of things accordingly.

Thoughtful choices, not just a stock "intact home," are what will help them understand, grow and learn from their parents' failed marriage. If they don't learn to live purposefully, if they're merely taught to react, then that's what they'll do as adults -- internalize, react, repeat.

Q. My sister is getting married for the second time. She has lived on her own for many years (her fiance has also) and they have been living together for the last two years. I feel that it isn't proper to have a bridal shower since they have everything to run a household. What are your feelings on this subject?

Anonymous

A. If you're feeling supportive and Sister's asking, suggest that a shower would strain good will, unless you have guests bring recipes, old photos or even (funny) advice.

If you're feeling judgmental and Sister's demanding, then be grateful it's improper for relatives to host showers, and duck.

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