Why does my sister give in to her husband?
Q. I recently found out that my sister and her husband have decided not to have any more kids. My dad shared this with me on a recent visit. I don't know what do with this information. The last time I talked to my sister, she very much wanted to have another kid, and was hoping her husband would come around. It makes me like my brother-in-law even less. He has a long history of selfishness and vetoing my sister's dreams/plans. My husband says it's their marriage and I should stay out of it, but this is driving me crazy. How do I support her and her marriage, when I can't stand her husband and the way he treats her? Obviously I am biased: I love my sister and I want what's best for her.
-- Northeast
A. Your sister has a long history of choosing her husband over her dreams/plans.
He may be the monster you say, but being right won't help unless you acknowledge your sister's 50 percent contribution to the outcomes you find so disturbing. She has choices, and she chooses him.
It would also help if you kept your rancor apart from your logic. Does not wanting another child make someone a bad person? Or are you bad only if you don't want one when your spouse does? Is it better to have children one doesn't want? Do grudging parents automatically become enthusiastic when labor starts?
Even a history of being wrong doesn't mean he's wrong here. Understanding that is one casualty of bias.
I get your distress; you're watching Sis continually surrender things she values. No doubt it's tough for her, too. But it's hardly a given that spouses want the same things. Well-matched couples may require only minor compromises while rockier couples need to sacrifice a lot to remain in harmony nevertheless, the alchemy is the same: Two people, one common purpose.
If you have reason to believe your sister is losing herself to this effort if she's being abused, for example, or if she has such low self-esteem that "common purpose" is more like a military occupation then do speak up. Not to rail against him, but to ask about her: "I'm confused about this news. Just X weeks ago you were hoping for another child."
Then, listen to her response. You can't make her change her life, but you can create the conditions where she gets to hear herself talk about her life. That plus time constitute your sister's best chance.
If, on the other hand, she's a functional adult, then treat her as one by respecting her choices.
Either way, your current certainty that you know what's best for her has consequences. She won't be able to confide in you, knowing you can't be objective. That may be why you heard this through Dad; she may be tired of defending her life.
Doubting her also adds to the strain of what might have been the right decision.
It's always hard to reconcile conflicting desires, but it's nearly impossible with someone standing by, poised to seize on any evidence that one's purpose in life is a fraud.
Please try to view your sister from her perspective, not yours. When that fails, ask her to share what she sees: "Please help me understand."
• E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.