Venting or tantrum? There's a difference
Q. What's the difference between a female who's "just venting" versus having an "adult tantrum"? Seriously. My adult daughter (37) says she's just venting; but on this end, it sure sounds like, feels like, an adult tantrum (with a lot of blame for others thrown in). Help me understand please.
B.
A. It sounds as if you do understand, but haven't found the words that will shift her viewpoint over to yours.
Good luck with that. Seriously. If you're right that the theme to her outrage is that others have done her wrong, then you're up against an established unwillingness to look inward when something goes awry.
That alone is a campaign-ending hurdle: Since the only thing any of us can improve about our world is our relationship with it and since we can do that only if we look inward to see where we're falling short that means refusing to look inward leaves a person no recourse but to "vent"/complain/throw tantrums.
Meanwhile, if she is "venting" on a regular enough basis for you to be asking for help, then there's a good chance she has a high working level of frustration and you're trying to reason with her just as that frustration peaks.
Finally, referring to her as a "female" suggests not guarantees, merely suggests you're seeing this through a lens tinted by gender. If you want to send a distressed person completely over the edge, that'll get the job done.
Put all of it together, and this much is clear: You won't make your case by attacking. Just the term "adult tantrum" is an attack, and her defenses are already high.
Provided you really want to take this on (because, frankly, you don't have to), invite her to drop her defenses instead. Often it's a reflexive response to try to solve every problem you hear; often that serves only to create new problems when someone just wants to be heard. If her complaints are valid, force yourself simply to listen.
If the complaints flow in streams unabated, then override your fix-it impulse in a different way: by listening, then asking questions that point her toward fixing things on her own. What outcome were you hoping for, what would you have done differently in retrospect, is this likely to happen again, what will you do in that case, have you found any reliable sources of relief, is there any way to expand upon those? Just some examples, of course.
If, in the end, what she really wants is to bask in misfortunes and the attention they bring, then it may be time to accept that she, as an adult, is free to make childish choices, and you, as an adult, are free not to give them your time.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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