Her clock is ticking, but he's not ready

Q. I am a 35-year-old woman in a committed relationship of several years.

My boyfriend, 38, is still "not ready" to get married, and I know the situation is unlikely to change anytime soon. I feel like I need to decide between staying with him, or leaving for the possibility of children with someone else.

If not for my age, I would be happy to stay and see what happens, as I love him and our life together. But my age is my age, and I am afraid of waiting until it's too late, only to realize that I wish I'd had kids. How do I possibly make this decision?

Washington

A. Same way you make all the others -- with your facts, your brain, your heart, your instincts, and, if you're honest with yourself, your hands in the air as you go, "Wheeeeee!" off the ledge of whatever.

Maybe look at it this way. This boyfriend "of several years" knows you, knows your age, knows your circumstances. He knows, in other words, that sacrificing your fertility might be a direct consequence of waiting for him to make up his mind about you.

I don't mean to imply that all men have a duty either to marry or leave the women they're dating within 30 days of the women's 35th birthdays. If a man needs time, then he needs time.

But his reason had better be good -- the definition of "good" in this case being that both of you agree it's of greater import than your ability to bear children.

That definition comes from what I believe is one of the main rewards of a healthy long-term commitment: knowing someone has your back. That's what good mates do for each other, at least.

And since you seem to have singled this guy out as a good spouse for you, it's a natural question: Is he watching your back here -- as attentively, at least, as he's watching his own, without prompting? It's not only a lot easier to answer than "Stay or go," but I'm guessing it's also the answer to both.

Q. I am a friendly guy and routinely strike up conversations with random strangers. But God forbid I approach an "attractive" woman -- I get the rudest responses! It's really quite startling. Can you provide some insights on why this is so? I approach everyone in the same easygoing manner. Is it because they "can"? Is it a defense mechanism against unwanted advances? I find it more humorous than anything else -- as well as an excellent "don't date me" filter -- but it still has me puzzled.

D.C.

A. Of course it's a defense mechanism, you know that. The real question here is, does that make it OK?

Easy answer, no, rudeness never is.

But that means we're assuming the brush-offs we're talking about are always rude. It's also possible that you (and the roughly 5,475 guys who've approached the average babe by the time she's 28) were merely deflected, with courtesy, but also with such finality that the net effect is that you feel like roadkill. And roadkill never feels bad for the car.

Remember, too, that attracting a lot of attention means at least some scary attention. Polite is ideal, but sometimes effective is best.

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