Violence isn't the answer when disciplining children

"Just a minute! There's no excuse for that!" I said.

The woman in the Jewel Food Store paused in the midst of repeatedly slapping her small child to turn and stare at me. So did the other dozen people in the aisle.

I'm not sure which of us was more embarrassed. But I stuck to my guns anyway.

"There is no reason to hit a child," I added in a more subdued voice.

I turned to leave and almost fell over my then 4-year-old daughter in the process. She was standing directly behind me, hands on her hips, a look of both anger and alarm on her face.

When we got back to the car, I decided to check out with Amy her feelings about our encounter.

"That was probably pretty scary for you," I suggested.

"Yeah," she replied. "Big people shouldn't hit us kids."

Amy was right. We shouldn't.

The nice name for it is corporal punishment. I'm going to call it what it is: violence against children.

You see, there seems to be this very common idea in our culture. A lot of us think that people are most likely to do what we want them to do if we threaten them. That is usually the reason we use violence with children. We want to threaten them or scare them into behaving.

The truth is a bit different. All kinds of studies and observations of real families have shown us that kids respond best to reason and reward, tempered by a healthy dose of non-violent consequences.

In fact, in some families, children are never slapped, or spanked or pushed, or hit. And these are families where loving parents still set limits and responsibilities and enforce them. They just do it without violence.

If you are tired of using violence to try to control your children, let me share some ideas about how some parents make this work.

First, use reason, rewards and consequences. From day one -- and even with toddlers -- always explain to your children what you expect, why you expect it and what the rewards and consequences are of meeting or not meeting these expectations.

For example: "I do not want you to play with that vase. I am afraid that you might break it and cut yourself. If you put it down, we will go and get some plastic bowls to play with. If you don't put it down, I will take it away from you and you will have to sit in a chair."

Now you may need to grab the vase before you say all that, but you get the idea. You are being reasonable, you offered a reward and you warned of the consequences of disobeying. That's good discipline.

A second pointer. Let's face it, your kids are going to get to you sometimes. No matter how calm and patient you usually are, sooner or later you will reach your breaking point. It's just part of having kids.

Instead of hitting a child in frustration or anger, why not try talking your feelings out. Saying, "I get very angry when you do that," is a lot better way to express anger than a slap in the face.

And when you really can't control yourself, try sitting down or turning your back, or even leaving the room -- anything to avoid violence.

A third idea. Don't try to go it alone all the time. There is nothing wrong with consulting a friend whose parenting you admire, a family counselor or a family life educator to help you with the rough spots in being a parent.

There are also a number of good books on the subject. Check out the family section of your local bookstore.

Nonviolent discipline is not some miracle cure. If your kids have already been raised with violent discipline, or if you have given up disciplining at all, it won't be easy to all of a sudden turn things around. But it may also be the most important thing you've ever done as a parent.

Last year a father got so angry at a misbehaving 2-year-old that he disciplined him by throwing him against a wall. The child died. As my daughter would say, "There's no excuse for that."