Take an inventory of your life situation
Q. I find myself in another futureless relationship, just passing the time until being single seems more enticing than dating this person. At which point, we'll break up. A month or two later, I'll start the cycle again. Yuck. Is this what dating has become? How do I get off the Dating Hamster Wheel of Despair ?
Passing Time
A. This is what dating has become for you. Making it a universal problem is a quick way to make it seem too vast to repair.
So, as just one hamster on just one wheel, you have just one question to answer -- why do you keep getting back on? Thinking like a hamster, I'd have to guess you're bored with your cage.
In other words, if relationship catatonia is more enticing than being single, you need to make being single more enticing. Get off the wheel (now, please), and commit yourself to a ruthless inventory of your day-to-day life. Pull out everything for examination, from the reflexive minor decisions to the big reasoned ones, and shake out all underlying assumptions. Keep an eye out for the P's -- passion, purpose, point -- because no other person can reliably be these things for you. Give CPR to your curiosity.
It's longer and more difficult than a mediocre date, obviously. Not so obviously, no matter how hard it is to face what you find, it's still a lot easier than looking back on the lifetime you burned on those dates. Take the time, do it honestly, do it well.
Q. A group of friends, some couples, one single, were planning to have elegant (read: costly) dinner parties once a month on a rotation from home to home.
The single person feels he is being taken advantage of, as every dinner will serve seven people but the rotation will be every fourth time, meaning he will provide three extra dinners every fourth month. When we go to restaurants, we divided the bill by seven, not four.
The couples say this is not the same, as usually only one member cooks.
What is your take -- is anyone being foolish, taken advantage of, or what?
Single
A. If it's about the money, then you have a point. If it's the effort, you have half a point -- one person may do all the cooking, but who then cleans it all up?
If it's just about the point, then you have six friends who enjoy each other's food and company so much that they're formalizing a plan to cook for each other regularly, and I like that point a lot better than begrudging nine extra steaks a year.
Either way, it sounds like you could make it all go elegantly away if everyone agreed to do your dishes, or make every other dinner at your house an orchestrated potluck.
Q. How do you know whether to get back together with an ex? The feelings are still there, but how do you know if things would really be different (without risking heartbreak)?
D.C.
A. I don't have enough facts, but you do: Use them to counteract, counterweigh and counterclock anything that resembles wishful thinking.
Where new facts aren't available, trust the old ones, and where no facts exist yet, trust your gut. Heartbreak is always possible. Lying to yourself all but guarantees it.
© 2007, The Washington Post Co.