Dealing with friend's cheating husband

Q. My good friend's husband cheated on her, repeatedly, sometimes in their home while she was away. Obviously, this devastated her, and for the past few months I've tried to listen and support her as she sorts things out. My problem is, I now have a burning hatred for this guy.

I know ending a marriage is painful and complicated, and only the two people involved really know the whole story, but what do I do when she looks me in the eye and asks what I would do in her place? It's really not my place to say, but good God, is this guy a jerk.

Not-So-Objective Observer

A. Try the oldest antidote there is to an unpopular answer: difficult questions. Ask her, what would she consider a happy ending? Does she think that's possible? Would he have to change, or would she? Do the facts suggest that change will happen? If not, is there a more realistic way she can find peace?

Don't ask all at once, but gently, over time, and over and over. We're at our most receptive to unpopular answers when we come upon them ourselves.

Q. I have a son-in-law who is successful and good-looking, which I'm happy for, but he and his siblings snub me and my husband. I never feel comfortable around them. I get this feeling we do not measure up, even though my husband is a successful self-made man and I think I'm OK! If I mention it to my daughter she gets mad at me. I would really like to tell them all to get off their high horse! Suggestions?

Anonymous

A. You don't have much say in the height of his horse, but you can choose to get off your low one.

One way is to consider that he isn't a snob, but instead is reserved, insular, or just doesn't care for or click with you much. These could all produce the same discomfort you describe, without the slap in the face.

Obviously, not liking you would still be a slap -- but from a peer, not a pedestal-dweller. If it helps, you don't seem to like him much, either.

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings or dismiss your snob sensors; you may be right that he's a snob.

But think about it: An inability to connect with people socially is an extremely common affliction. It's also not uncommon for people who are attractive, educated and/or wealthy -- in other words, privileged in some visible way -- to be judged as snobs when really they're just awkward, shy or detached like anyone else. At least rule that out before you write the guy off.

Which brings me to the other way to corral the low horse -- by acknowledging this wouldn't be an issue if you didn't already doubt your own worth. If he were dumpy and broke, you'd have long since laughed off any attempts on his part to act superior. That you haven't done so means somewhere inside, you believe you're beneath him.

That's why, even if the worst is true and he's riding his high horse openly and hard, it's not an issue of confronting him. It's all about

facing yourself. Well, wait -- it's all about whether your daughter is happy. This side issue is about facing yourself.

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