Sometimes, tact is not what's needed

Q. My very good male friend was retelling some troubling stories to me about his fiancee's behavior toward his family. My friend says she's become increasingly paranoid and resentful toward them for no logical reason (swearing that they "hate" her and refusing contact), and the episodes he was recounting reflected that.

This isn't the first red flag I've seen in the years they've been together. I (timidly) asked my friend if they were considering premarital counseling, adding that it's not a big deal, and that even my husband and I did it.

He reacted, uh, pretty defensively, and tried to bring my marriage into it. Was I wrong to suggest they get counseling?

Anonymous

A. Irrationality and in-laws have a causal connection both long and glorious, but this sounds like more than just one side getting a head start. If anything, your mistake was in being timid, both in tone and content.

Premarital counseling would, I hope, flush out any larger ills, but it isn't where my mind went first. Paranoia that's unexplained, escalating, affecting her behavior, perplexing her fiance and scaring their friends belongs in the hands of a competent medical professional.

You're probably thinking that when you offend someone despite efforts to be tactful, the answer is more tact, not less.

However, pointing someone toward couples counseling suggests there's a problem with the relationship (and therefore, by knee-jerk extension, with his social skills, his judgment, with him).

Treat it with more urgency, and your message is, "This is about more than anyone's relationship -- it's about someone's health." Deliver that message overtly, please, when you approach your friend again.

Let him know you understand why he went on the defensive, and that you're sorry. Also spell out that you aren't judging his relationship -- not only because you're fully aware yours isn't perfect, but because it isn't your place.

Then say you do feel it's your place to express that you're worried about his fiancee. If he would describe her behavior as erratic or irrational, then he owes it to you to look into it. A good chaser: If you're overreacting, he has the built-in assurance of finding out nothing is wrong. There's no such safeguard in persuading oneself that everything will be fine.

Even in the unlikely event your friend is receptive to your concerns, your brief description of the fiancee says she won't be. At all.

But this is the most unfortunate part of knowing a couple in trouble: If either of them were willing to admit something was wrong, they wouldn't need their friends to point out something is wrong. Often the best you can do is plant the idea, so it's there when he opens his eyes.

Q. Which is the better scenario: yin-yang or similar personalities? I dated a guy for a few years and we rarely fought and saw eye-to-eye on so many matters. (Obviously not enough to keep us together!) Now I'm dating someone who is definitely the yin to my yang, and though I love him, I feel I work harder at this relationship. My radar is fogged -- which is more successful?

Washington

A. No cliches about it: The "successful scenario" is someone you're grateful for, who is grateful for you -- renewed almost daily, even years later. Details are just that.

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