Family members have different views on gifts

Carolyn Hax is taking some time off. This is adapted from a recent online discussion.

Q. My husband is not materialistic. At all. Problem? His family is. So every time a gift-centered holiday rolls around, I know that they expect gifts, and he is not very inclined to shop for them or do anything beyond a gift card.

After giving his mother a birthday present of a nice bottle of wine and the promise of taking her out for dinner (remembering your suggestion of the gift of "time"), I swear I saw tears in her eyes. Not so sure they were of joy.

Should I start picking up gifts for his family? I sense they're continually disappointed. They have different values when it comes to spending money on gifts.

VA.

A. If you enjoy shopping for his family, and/or you enjoy seeing their faces when they open a gift you bought them, then go ahead and take over the assignment of buying their gifts.

If this is just about your feeling guilt to which your husband is immune, and especially if it has anything to do with your being expected to play the part of family shopper simply because you're female, then let him buy (or not buy) their gifts. He can tend to his family as he sees fit.

Q. I am horrifically allergic to cats -- the wheezing, turn-blue kind of allergic, as well as the sneeze-your-head-off way. As such, we've never visited my husband's brother and wife, because my sister-in-law says that allergies are "all in your head." We've invited them down numerous times (sans the cat), they've come and enjoyed themselves, I think, and I don't mind at all hosting them.

Problem is: They've invited us for the holiday, and although I'd miss him, I'd rather my husband go without me. Since I am younger than my husband or my in-laws, the in-laws think I am being difficult and should just suck it up, and that I'm being a little princess.

Could I just tell hubby to go and I'll wait for him at home here, and not cause a major family rift?

Cats

A. I'm not sure what your youth has to do with it, but, yes, of course, you can choose to stay home, and it would be a kind gesture to give Husband your blessing to go without you.

But if your husband doesn't stick up for you here, and hold his family accountable for their nasty opinion of you, then I'm going to stick peas up his nose. What is wrong with people.

By the way, it's very big of you not to mind hosting people who treat you so dismissively.

Q. I have to see some very conservative, judge-y relatives who have just learned that I'm pregnant (not married, and not planning on getting married). Is there a limit to how many times I can respond to them just by saying, "Wow"? Should I keep a tally?

Maybe we should have some kind of prize for whoever manages to use it most at family gatherings this year.

Dallas

A. Who knows, maybe they'll surprise you. I mean, what are they going to suggest, that you have an abortion? Aside from adoption, anything else they could be thinking is a ship that has clearly already sailed.

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