Girl's beauty puts mom in a quandary

Q. I have never been beautiful. Cute, yeah, but never beautiful. Fine. It suits my tomboyish persona. Now I have a daughter who is, at 7, beautiful.

Not "I'm the mom" beautiful or "I wish she were" beautiful; but honest-to-God, people-stop-us-on-the-streets beautiful. It's starting to be a problem. She's starting to think it about herself, and frankly -- I don't even want her to know. She's a sporty kid, and not particularly girly. But my mom is spending a fortune on "outfits." My mother-in-law tried to talk me into a casting call, and really wouldn't let it rest until it was past.

Her teachers call her "pretty girl," and if I had a buck for every stranger who made a comment, I could quit my day job.

How do I make sure she doesn't start placing too much emphasis on her looks?

Annapolis

A. That list you provide is effective in showing the pervasiveness of the message your daughter is getting.

By providing it, you're tacitly saying that pervasiveness is persuasion; you're not worried that one person said she was beautiful, you're worried that the message gets reinforced daily.

That's exactly the way to view your job now, of delivering the message that her true value lies within: You can't just say it. You have to find a delivery method that has built into it the same credibility, consistency, and thereby the same reinforcement, of the message you're hoping to balance out.

It starts with you. She will watch you eat, shop, dress, give, take and interact with peers, superiors, inferiors. Live your blueprint for her.

Don't lecture about inner goodness, either. Model it, enable it, encourage it, praise it. For example, choose institutions for her that reinforce the values you hope she'll eventually internalize; give her age-appropriate duties at home to show that anyone who receives must also contribute; skew your outings toward giving (a standing charity gig) vs. receiving (shopping); direct her sportiness to shared-glory sports vs. diva-makers; lean gender-neutral, and therefore away from stereotypes.

Cultivate strength.

Also, don't hold her less accountable -- or more -- based on appearance. Neither dwell on her beauty nor deny it. (You'd almost think by the way we're talking that she's hideously disfigured.) Find a way to be as comfortable with it as you want her to be someday.

As she gets older, give her ownership of her looks by not fussing over her hair/makeup/clothing decisions, within obvious boundaries, and let any luxuries come from her allowance money.

In general and in all things, privilege is earned, period, by good behavior, period. Forge that connection in her, and that will be her currency, not her looks.

You can't get strangers to help you lay this foundation -- the world gawks, it can't help itself -- but you can ask the grandmas and certainly the teachers to. Be firm, be persuasive. It's your responsibility either to enlighten them, or to intervene as you deem necessary (as you did with the casting call) to limit the damage they do by not getting it. The way you love your daughter won't translate intact into the way she loves herself, but no one else carries more weight.

And if you ever lose focus: These aren't ideas for raising a