When a loved one faces death, make time to visit

Q. My significant other's mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer that is growing at an accelerated rate, and the best doctors don't seem to be able to even slow it down. We live four hours away, and because we both work six days a week, rarely get to spend time with her. He is anxious and distant and feels, in his own words, helpless. Is there anything I can do besides the obvious being there for him? I feel helpless myself.

Hopeful

A. He feels distant and helpless because he's far away and doing nothing.

When people are dying, soon, their loved ones need to get there, now.

There are a few cases where that's impossible -- incarceration, infirmity, immigration barriers and extreme poverty come quickly to mind -- but even situations that present high barriers, such as a military deployment, often allow for compassionate leave.

So, what can you do as his partner? You can grab his lapels, put your nose to his and politely suggest that he either take leave from work, or cut back to five-day weeks for the near future, or travel overnight on day 6 to spend day 7 with her, or something. Anything. Does he expect to make it up to her after she dies?

If there really is nothing he can do, then you can help him make peace with this. Often that means painstakingly exploring every possible option right up till it hits a wall, so he sees for himself that he did everything he could.

That matters, because helplessness takes two forms: One is when you can't do anything, which is deeply upsetting. The other is when you don't.

That haunts people, sometimes for the rest of their lives.

Q. Friends all around me are getting engaged and married, and all of a sudden, I'm wishing my SO and I were heading down that path, too. We've been together for a while and he's the person I see myself marrying, but before now, haven't felt this strong desire to be engaged or married. How can I tell if this is pressure/excitement from friends' experiences, or something that's coming from me? (And if it's me, how do I broach the subject with him?)

D.C.

A. You didn't have marriage fever, then marriage fever hit all your friends, and now you have marriage fever? Too bad your friends didn't take up llama-ranching.

Maybe it's a coincidence, but you surely don't sound too sure. To answer your question specifically, there's no device other than your gut for distinguishing internal desire from external pressure. There's just this: Waiting makes it easy to change your mind, and jumping in makes it hard.

There's also the general weirdness, when you think about it, that people receive zero invitations to friends' weddings; then they get a scattered few; then a handful; then they get 12 a year for two years; then they get a handful again; then they get few to none. Which is more likely -- that everyone you know suddenly met the right person, or that everyone you know suddenly thought it was time to? Answer with a straight face, and you're not bookmarking any wedding sites.

It's also a great argument, by the way, for not letting your age choose all your friends.