Carolyn Hax: How to curb ‘growing dislike’ of nephew’s new wife?
Q: Three months ago, our nephew married his girlfriend. They had planned to marry later, but she became pregnant and they moved the date up. Our invitation came via email from the groom’s mother after the bride-to-be “lost” my email address, then after I re-sent the address, she “forgot” to send the invitation.
We gave the couple a generous check at the wedding and have had no acknowledgment of the gift.
Now a baby shower is planned. I’ve knitted a lovely baby blanket as a gift, but the bride wants only gifts from the registry that she has “researched.”
I want to like this girl, and I’m truly excited about the baby. However, she hasn’t made a very good impression. I’ve decided not to give her the blanket since I don’t think she wants a homemade gift. I’m conflicted on whether to spend even more money on a registry gift.
How do I get over my growing dislike? Please help.
— To Give or Not to Give
A: Don’t you just hate it when people upended by simultaneous unexpected life changes don’t cross their T’s the way you want them to?
Yeah, that was a little mean. And I’m in a good mood today!
But, holy counted beans, Uncle/Auntie. You’ve been invited to everything. You’ve got a chance to blame various micro-offenses on this couple’s whirlwind and let them go. So what’s the real affront here?
And no, I won’t ever be cheerful enough to flatten my rage spike from seeing a bride/mom held accountable for wedding or baby choices for which the groom/dad is equally freaking responsible. Men can write notes, too.
How ’bout you grind this into a lens: “Times have changed, and the sexist crappiness of my times might be why.” Then view your niece-in-law only through that lens from now on.
Even if some changes were for the worse, you all benefit — you especially — from the rosiest possible tint.
Whooh.
This, too: The hand-knit blankie is a gorgeous thought and effort. Maybe save it for the birth and work on your bond until then.
Q: My daughter is in her 50s and very successful in her career. Since COVID, or a little before, she has gained a lot of weight. She works mostly from home and gets little exercise. I don’t know how to talk to her about this problem. How can I help her take better care of herself and keep her weight down?
— Concerned Mother
A: You don’t! That’s how you talk to her about this. Unless she asks you what you think, you don’t say a thing.
(And yes, I will keep answering this question, since it apparently won’t go away. I’ll just work toward shorter answers each time until a final “!”)
A successful adult woman knows more about her own body than her mother does. An unsuccessful one does, too. Plus, you haven’t been responsible for her eating or exercise habits in 40 years, give or take — or “parenting” her for over 30, except upon her invitation or in an emergency, which this isn’t. Even if it were, moms’ words don’t burn fat.
If you fed your family according to sound nutritional advice (whatever that was at the time), and if you didn’t then, haven’t since and never intend to shame your daughter for how she manages her body, then you’ve done great. Truly.
So love her as is. That’s it. If she needs more, then she’ll find ways to ask you for more. You don’t talk to her for those, though. You listen.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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