10 tips to get from 'I do' to 'Happily ever after'

Ever notice that most romance novels end when the loving couple gets married?

Have you ever read one where the blushing bride wakes up on the morning after and, looking over at the man now sleeping next to her, wonders what in the name of heaven she gotten herself into?

Or how about a story in which the new husband suddenly discovers his bride's mother is going to move in with them, happily ever after? Or perhaps both newlyweds find themselves faced with unemployment only a few weeks after a wedding based on dreams of a condo on the Gold Coast, two cars in the garage, and vacations in Europe?

I just don't seem to remember many of those plot lines in the paperback romances I see down at the grocery checkout.

Plots like that probably wouldn't sell, anyway. The idea of a romance novel is to escape from the real world. Second thoughts, difficult in-laws, and financial crises are too close to home to be a good escape.

Unfortunately, many newly married couples failed to realize they will be living in the real world, not the world of happily ever after. They are ill-prepared for the inevitable growing pains of becoming husband and wife, nor have they developed the interpersonal skills together necessary to effectively meet the challenge of just living as a couple.

Poor communication, sexual awkwardness, differing lifestyles and conflicting goals and values all contribute to the relational tensions that are a normal part of beginning married life. A committed, open and hardworking couple can eventually work through these difficulties, growing individually and together in the process.

A good many of us, however, are afraid to make the effort, or don't know how. These tensions not only persist, then, but can come to dominate a fragile young marriage.

Such growing pains are only half the problem. Our society puts often overwhelming stress on newlyweds. Economic chaos, sexual freedom, poorly functioning extended families, conflicting role models for what it means to be man and woman (let alone husband and wife), two-career families, the decline in commonly held beliefs, and so on, are enough to challenge even the most stable relationship. They are often more than enough to overpower the struggling newlywed couple.

Now before we cancel our wedding plans and pledge ourselves to perpetual singlehood, let me share a suggestion that can help us successfully build on the sandy soil of "newlywedhood." If we draw up our plans with care and learn some basic construction skills, we can lay a foundation upon which we can build a sturdy, comfortable marital "home."

My blueprint calls for us to start our marriage by clarifying our mutual need, expectations, and hopes for our life together. To do so, we need to explore at least the following areas:

1. Values/meaning/faith - There are certain assumptions about life that we all have, whether we talk about them or not. We need to talk openly about these, and see if we can find a common ground. A shared faith is part of what makes marriage work. By faith, I mean a way of viewing life, not a particular religious creed.

2. Emotional intimacy - We all have a need to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. Some of us are more willing to do so than others. If a couple is not able to agree on such sharing as a goal of their marriage and actively work toward it, significant difficulties are bound to arise.

3. Sexuality - Few areas of marital life are more susceptible to misunderstandings. Not only are we emotionally vulnerable as we express our sexuality, but we often are afraid to even talk about our developing sexual relationship. Yet sexuality is an art form created by and unique to each couple. It takes honesty, patience and practice. (No, it doesn't just come naturally.) All of that takes trust.

4. Roles/responsibilities - Marriage is a contract to live together. That includes dirty dishes, laundry, yard work, sick kids, and so on. Don't assume your marriage will run the way your parents' did, or the way anyone else's does. Work out your own agreement. And be open-minded and flexible in the process.

5. Hygiene and health - Though your husband-to-be shows up showered and shaved at 7 o'clock Friday night, what's he like 7 o'clock Saturday morning? Your future wife may be dressed to kill for your night out, how does she look after six hours of Saturday chores? Ask about standards of personal hygiene. Don't take then for granted. "Morning mouth" may have never ended a marriage, but it can be one more unneeded tension. Health is a similar concern. Diet, exercise, aging, and how we deal with illness are all important. They may seem superfluous in our twenties; the older we get, however, the more important they become. The person we courted may look and move rather differently 10, 20 or 50 years from now. What do we expect from ourselves and from our spouses?

6. Careers and education - If we are a two-career couple, how are we going to balance the different needs and demands of our jobs? Whose career gets priority?

7. Family - We come from different families. Though we are now founding one of our own, these "families of origin" will remain very important. We want to be willing to openly and honestly discuss our family's strengths, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies. And we must keep in mind that our spouse is our first loyalty, even over Mom and Dad. And we also need to talk about our own hopes for family. Are children in our future? How many? What does it mean to be parents?

8. Leisure - What do we do to have fun? Do we share leisure time interests? Is it OK to have some separate leisure time pursuits?

9. Finances - How are money decisions going to be made? Who will handle the budget (yes, you will need a budget). This is another one of those difficult topics. Power needs to be consciously distributed in a working marriage.

10. Freedom - If we trust that we are worth loving, and if we trust our spouse's love for us, then our marriage can provide freedom for both of us. If our marriage is based on mistrust, emotions like doubt, jealously, suspicion, resentment and anger can make freedom especially difficult to give.

That's certainly a good deal to talk about. And I suspect that we'll find there is even more we must consider as our relationship grows and develops. Marriage is one of the most important relationships we will ever enter in to. It's worth working at.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."