Career Coach: A little empathy can go a long way

As the country continues to face tensions over diversity and some politicians increasingly fan the flames, it seems to be getting easier and easier for colleagues at work to do the same - to show disregard for their fellow co-workers, making the workplace less hospitable. Some leaders seem to be advocating for an even more individualistic ("it's all about me") culture.

But such sentiment can too often isolate leaders from their own employees, customers, and other constituents without thought for how important empathy really is for building an engaged culture.

Empathy is the ability to be aware of, understand, and appreciate the feelings and thoughts of others or to tune in to what people feel and why they think the way they do. It means you can imagine yourself in their shoes and relate to what they must be feeling. It is not the same as sympathy, which refers to feeling sorry for someone else based on their situation. With empathy, you are viewing the other person from the inside as an equal, while sympathy means you are viewing them from the outside as a superior.

There are plenty of benefits associated with leaders or colleagues having empathy at work. Confrontations can be turned into collaborations. Stressful times can be moments for pulling together. Workplace bonds can pay dividends in client relationships. Empathy means giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Instead of having long drawn out arguments, things can get resolved more readily because people feel that they have been heard. Being listened to frees employees up to continue to offer even more creative and innovative ideas. People are more inclined to feel that they are part of a team, which increases morale, engagement, loyalty and productivity at work.

To demonstrate more empathy at work, you can:

• Make sure you are listening to others (and be sure to get feedback from others regarding how good of a listener you really are).

• Listen without interrupting. Pay attention to what others are saying and their nonverbal behaviors and cues.

• Ask questions and then listen if you are trying to understand why someone is struggling at work or has poor performance.

• Spend the time to get to know those who you don't like (and are very different from you). As Abraham Lincoln said, "I don't like that man, so I must get to know him."

• Read up on emotional intelligence and take an assessment on your EQ and empathy.

• At meetings, ask colleagues to share how they are doing both personally and professionally.

• Keep the focus on them. Use phrases to show you are listening to them rather than sympathetic statements that seem to focus on yourself (e.g., "you seem to be trying to figure out what to do next" rather than "I always do XYZ when I am not sure").

• Use reflecting comments ("it sounds like you are worried about ...") rather than providing immediate advice ("this is what you should do now").

• Validate the feelings they have expressed to you ("I understand you are feeling that ...").

• Remember that efficiency at work is important, but it is not everything. It is critical to respect rules and regulations, but it is even more important to show respect to co-workers. Sometimes we have the tendency to see people as things or resources or numbers, as if they are interchangeable. Yet, as author Stephen Covey noted, "Efficiency is for things, not for people. Empathy takes time."

• Invite someone you don't know for coffee or lunch just to get to know them. Ask questions about them to really get to know them.

• Get out of your office or cubicle to get to know people. You can't walk in their shoes if you never leave your own office.

• Empathy means using your heart, not just your head. You have to think about how they feel in the situation. It takes practice to get better at being more empathetic.

Being empathetic does not mean spending your entire day at work listening to people complain. You can still let others know you are interested in hearing them yet only have five to 10 minutes right now. Further, your goal is to let people know you have heard them, not necessarily that you agree with them. However, just by actively listening to another person at work and showing empathy, you can develop stronger more positive relationships.

• Joyce E.A. Russell is the senior associate dean at the University of Maryland's Robert H. Smith School of Business. She is a licensed industrial and organizational psychologist and has more than 25 years of experience coaching executives and consulting on leadership, career management, and negotiations.