‘I walk for those who have known unspeakable loss’
The deaths of my sweet angels — Katie Elizabeth, whom we lost in 2004, and Noah James, whom we lost in 2006 — have reshaped my life in ways I never thought possible, in ways that are both good and bad.
It took me a long time and a lot of pain to process their deaths. After the death of Katie, I tried to run from the pain by keeping myself occupied. I thought if I just kept moving I could suppress the pain that continuously gnawed at me.
This approach sounded good in theory, and even worked for a while, but eventually it caught up with me in ways that created physical and mental aliments.
It wasn’t until the death of Noah that I realized I was going to have to take a different approach to coping with the grief, despair and sadness. During those dark days of my grief, I made a promise to myself that, once I was strong enough, I would find a way to honor Katie and Noah by helping others. I didn’t know how, but I wanted to do something.
In late 2009, a short conversation with a gentleman led to a new direction in my life. This gentleman disclosed to me that he was living in the local homeless shelter and that he had lost a son in 1991. The conversation stayed with me for a couple of weeks because I wondered whether he had ended up where he was in life as a result of not being able to cope with the death of his child.
As a grieving dad, and having been through the depths of this despair twice, I could see how one could end up in his position if you did not have a support system to help you through this debilitating pain.
As a grieving father, I often felt alone because, like most men, as a kid I was taught to hide my emotions, bury them deep and not talk about what I was feeling.
As a result of my personal experiences and the conversation I had with this gentleman, I set out to write a book on the subject of fathers’ grief as a resource for healing.
The book is called “Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back.” I also started The Grieving Dads Project (www.GrievingDads.com) as a way to reach out to other men on this difficult journey and to let them know they are not alone in their pain. I have reached thousands of bereaved parents from around the world as a result of this project.
I also have become an advocate for all bereaved parents by working with legislatures to amend the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993 to include the death of a child as one of the reasons for qualifying for the benefits provided by this law.
Since I started this mission in early 2011 with fellow grieving dad Barry Kluger, Sen. Jon Tester of Montana introduced the Parental Bereavement Act of 2011 in July.
I am proud to say that this year, I walk for Katie and Noah, all of the other lost babies, the SHARE Program, the Wings of Hope Angel Garden, fellow grieving dads, and all bereaved parents who have traveled this long road known as unspeakable loss.